Fred and Jacob In: A Creature’s Stomach

In order to celebrate the rapidly-approaching release of The Interludes AGAIN, I decided to see what Fred and Jacob have been up to as of late!

It was written in the classic Interlude form, no notes, and in one sitting. Why don’t we see what our ersatz heroes are up to? Fred? What’s up, yo?

“It’s dark.” Fred turned his head from side to side.

Jacob shook his. “Open your eyes, dumbass.”

Fred did just that. “Oh! I uh… It’s still dark.”

“Well yeah, we are in the belly of a beast.”

“Not just any beast, boy. THE beast!”

“Well, whatever. I want out of the beast. You got a light?”

Fred clapped his hands twice in time, and the disco lights did twinkle, and the colors did change, and the music did thump. “We gonna light this shit up, yo!”

The disco lights revealed they were standing in the corner of a very, very large stomach. The very large stomach started making very large movements, sending both men off balance. Jacob yelled. “Not a good idea, bro!”

Fred stopped dead and ripped off his aviators. “We talked about this Jacob. Now my mom and your dad were friendly and all, but…”

“Fred! Not now! Just get us out of here!” The mighty beast lumbered. Fred and Jacob tumbled to the ground.

Fred rolled half way into the monster’s stomach fluids. His pants and flesh bubbled and boiled away. “Ow.” He pulled himself back onto dry land.

He stared at his skeletonized legs in horror. “Oh, shit. Oh, shit. MY PANTS!” He looked up at Jacob. “That’s some expensive shit, you know. Do you think baking soda might save ’em?”

Jacob stared slack-jawed. “Yeah… No. Listen… Just focus for a second so we can get out of here? I don’t think I’d handle that acid as well as you.”

Fred shook his head. “Pussy… Yeah, okay.” He stood up shakily on his semi-skeletonized legs. “Just call me Mister Boner!”

“Again, no.” Jacob stared at Fred’s festering legs and dry-heaved. “Can we go, now?”

“Right!” Fred whipped a copy of The Interludes from his back pocket and held it aloft. “If this doesn’t get him to puke us out, nothing will!”

Jacob frowned. “Oh, come on, man! John is a good guy. He worked really hard on that.”

“Yeah? Well now it’s just big stinky POO!” Fred waved the book around. Surely enough, the beast’s stomach contracted violently. The men suddenly found themselves propelled upwards.

Jacob rolled over in the sand, groaning and clutching his side. “Okay, that hurt. That HURT OW ow ow…”

Fred sat up beside him. “Oh, shit!” He looked around in a panic. “You haven’t seen a tibia, have you?” Jacob pointed at one poking out of the sand. “Ah! Good.” Fred grabbed it and haphazardly jammed it back into place.

Before them loomed a gigantic monster. It was several stories tall, just different enough from Godzilla to keep John from being sued. It roared down at them, little plumes of blue fire licking around its lips.

“Look Mister… Uh, Mister? Um, Mister Monster, this is all Fred’s fault. He takes me on these crazy adventures and I don’t do anything but try to survive and…”

“I thought you liked me taking you on these crazy adventures!” Fred looked genuinely hurt.

“Well… I mean sometimes, when you’re not trying to kill me.” Fred sniffled. “Honest! Sometimes it’s pretty… well okay.” Fred pouted. “Okay, okay! It’s fun! Usually!”

“That’s more like it.” Fred stuck his tongue out.

“ENOUGH!” The mighty not-Godzilla because don’t sue John roared. He continued in a decidedly delicate European lilt. “Why did you poison me so with that atrocious book? You could have killed me, you know.”

Jacob stood, his face stern and defiant. “GOD, you too! You guys need to stop tearing on John! We wouldn’t even exist if it wasn’t for him! That book meant a lot to him.”

“Yeah, well everyone thought it was bullshit.” Fred tossed it into the ocean conveniently placed behind him.

He turned his gaze back to his lower body and sneezed. The flesh of his legs grew back in an instant. The pants, unfortunately, did not. “Damn, the pants are still ruined.”

He stood beside Jacob and reached down the back of his pants. Deeper and deeper he went. Jacob looked on, aghast. Fred shook his free finger at him. “If you want something deeper, you have to dig deeper, boy.”

“As long as you’re following the preservation protocol.”

“Maybe after a while.”

“Ba-dum, tiss!” Responded the not-Godzilla.

Fred finally pulled a thoroughly soiled book from his pants. A couple of hardy shakes later and all was pristine. The magical book shimmered in a bright, golden inner light.

“Holy shit, Fred! That’s…”

“Yup. It’s a copy of The Interludes AGAIN!” Angels descended from the heavens, singing and playing harps.

Jacob wrinkled his nose. “Isn’t that a little much?”

“What? I’m not doing that. It just happens whenever you dramatically reveal a copy of The Interludes AGAIN!” The singing intensified.

Jacob shielded his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, okay… Well does this mean you at least like the boss again?”

“Like him? Hell, I love the guy! Only John could capture just how damn cute I am.” Fred fluttered his eyelashes.

“Right… Giant monster that isn’t Godzilla?”

“Oh, of course! I do so admire the man! I ordered my copy some time ago.” Not-Godzilla stared off into the middle of nothing, approximately where an audience would be watching things unfold. “I’m sure I won’t be the only one.” His eyebrows dropped dangerously.

“Well, good!” Jacob clapped his hands together. “So we’re all good here?”

Fred nodded and muttered. “Ayuh, sure, I guess.”

Not-Godzilla nodded. “Quite!”

“Great!” Jacob looked around. “Now what?”

Fred smiled, sliding his aviators back on. “Now we dance.”

You’ll dance too when you order Fat Mop Zoo Presents The Interludes AGAIN! Pre-order the ebook now or buy a paperback copy on August 30!