Fred and Jacob sat in Santa Claus’ sleigh, the numerous buttons, switches, and video screens casting an eerie blue glow on their faces. Jacob let out a low whistle. “Santa’s kept up with the times.”
“Apple!” Fred scowled. “It looks pretty, but it’s designed for idiots.” He slammed the dashboard with his fist.
“Surely that’s not actually an Apple symbol.” Jacob leaned in closer. “Okay, it is.” He grabbed the reins and handed them to Fred. “Doesn’t matter. We’ve got a job to do.”
“Right!” Fred cracked the reins. The reindeer jumped to life, running for the end of the roof. “Let’s see… On Dasher, on Dancer, on um… Pringles and Vision! You know, you guys! Go!”
The reindeer cried out in protest, but continued on, lifting up into the night sky. “And you were worried! ‘Oh, Santer Claus bit the dust! Oh, Christmas is ruined!‘ Haw!”
Jacob studied the controls before him. “Well, it will be if we can’t figure out what the hell we’re doing.”
“Simple!” Fred pushed a large, yellow button in the middle of the dashboard labeled “DELIVER PRESENTS”.
“That wasn’t there a minute ago.”
“Is it ever?” Fred grinned.
“Fair.” Jacob smirked. “Hey, this is pretty simple. Follow the markers on the map and…” He let out an “oof!” as the sleigh touched down on the next house. “Here we are, I guess.”
“Right! Time to rob the place!”
“Fred! No! I told you he wasn’t trying to rob you.”
“Yeah, I know. Maybe that’s what I wanna do. Hmm?”
“I will not let you violate the sanctity of Christmas, Fred. We’re going to make this right. Now let’s go!”
Fred crossed his arms. “I don’t wanna! I want free shit!”
Jacob smiled slyly. “There will be milk and cookies…”
Fred slowly turned his head. “Ain’t no shit?”
“Ain’t no shit.”
“…Get that damn sack, boy!” Fred leaped out of the sleigh and pounded over to the chimney.
Jacob turned around and grabbed the sack. He pulled, but the sack didn’t budge. “Huh…” He grabbed the top of the sack with both hands and pulled with all of his might. “OH GOD OKAY this isn’t working. Fred!”
The old farmhand paced back to the sleigh. “What’s yer problem, ya jackalope! Can’t handle a widdle sack?”
“Ha ha… It won’t budge.” He gestured to the sack as he stepped back.
Fred stepped up and easily lifted the sack out of the back of the sleigh. “I’m amazed you can carry around your own sack, ya Nancy-boy.” He trudged back over to the chimney.
Jacob raced to join him. “I told you the magic was in the suit!”
“Just keep telling yourself that, young man.” Fred winked, scratching at his nose. The chimney expanded, sucking in Santa’s sack, and Fred with it. “WHEE!”
“Fred!” Jacob ran to the chimney. He stared futilely into the darkness within. “Hopefully the son of a bitch is smart enough to figure out what to do on his own.”
The young man paced nervously for what felt like hours. The chimney finally stretched once more, spitting Fred out onto the roof. “Woo-hoo!”
Fred found his feet and straightened Santa’s hat on his head. “Hot damn! You should try that sometime!”
“Did you get the presents under the tree?”
“Sure did! Got the cookies and scotch, too.”
“Yep!” Fred held up a half-empty bottle and gave it a shake. “It was booze, right? Cookies and booze?”
“…Get in the sleigh.”
TO BE CONTINUED…