Fred’s Christmas Caper

“Yes Fred, I still like Santa Claus.” Jacob refused to look up from his computer screen.

“Then why don’t you want to come? Huh?” Fred crossed his arms and pouted.

Jacob turned to face Fred. “Because you’re wearing a Santa suit again. The last time you wore a Santa suit, it ended with Godzilla getting its ass kicked by an elder god.” He blinked. “In retrospect that sounds awesome but it certainly wasn’t at the time!”

“This is my own suit. I swear! Scout’s honor!” He held up two fingers on his right hand, fingers crossed. “Wait, I did that wrong.”

Jacob shook his head, frowning. “No, Fred.” He turned around.

“Yes it is, then!” Fred grabbed Jacob by the collar. Both men disappeared in a puff of glittery pixie dust.

They reappeared on a ridge just outside Santa’s village, laying on their stomachs. Fred had a pair of binoculars out. “There it is.”

“Fred! Damn it! I have paperwork to file… Is that Santa’s village?” Jacob began to grin.

“Atta boy.”

Jacob sighed. “Okay. We’re here. What hell are you going to wreak this time?”

“Aw now I’m just going to pull an itty bitty prank is all.”

“You don’t do anything ‘itty bitty’.”

“True…” Fred sat up. “I’m gonna prank dear cousin Santa with this!” He produced a small, green baby alien. It looked at Jacob with glistening black eyes and a tiny little smile.

“Holy shit, Fred! Is that baby Yoda?”

Fred hushed him. “No, no, no! Do you want Disney to hear? This here is a what you call a grade A knock-off! It’s a baby Shoda!”

Jacob smirked. “Right… What are you going to do with it?” He nuzzled the baby’s cheek with a finger.

“Well you see, baby Shodas are super magical. That magic goes all crazy when they cry.”

“Fred, you are not making that baby cry!”

“Of course not! Cute widdle guy!” He noogied the baby’s head. “I don’t have to! What happens when you give a baby to Santa Claus?”

“It cries. Oh, Fred, that’s terrible.”

“Terribly awesome!” Jacob took a double-take. Fred was already up and running towards the village. Jacob sighed and followed.

The baby was starting to sniff and whine by the time Jacob caught up. “I thought you said you weren’t going to make him cry!”

“I’m not! The little bastard is hungry!”


“You’ll agree if he starts crying, son. There!” Fred pointed at Dingle’s Pizza Emporium. “Let’s get him a slice.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Sure it is! Didn’t ya read the sign?”

Jacob looked back at the storefront. A sign in the window did in fact read “Perfectly Fine to Feed to Infants!” Jacob rolled his eyes. “How foolish of me. Okay, fine.”

Fred frowned. “I uh, forgot my wallet and…”

“Fine!” The baby whimpered. “Hush, little one!” Jacob darted inside. He returned a minute later with a slice of pizza. “You owe me five dollars.”

Fred handed the baby the pizza. It tipped its head back and promptly swallowed the slice whole. “Holy shit!”

“Is that normal?” Jacob grimaced.

“Is any of this?”

“Good point.”

The baby giggled and clapped its little hands. He released a might burp and hiccuped. There was a bright flash. Fred squinted at Jacob. “Say Jacob, have you always been a moose?”

“What are you…” Jacob looked down at his chest, which was now a moose chest, because now he was a moose. “AH! What did you do?”

“I didn’t do it!” The baby hiccuped again. Fred blinked his three eyes. “It must be the baby… I think I’m seeing double.”

“More like triple.” The baby hiccuped. “Oh, what the hell!” Jacob looked down at his ample breasts and buxom hips.

“What? You look all right to me.” Fred winked. Jacob dry heaved. The baby hiccuped.

Fred and Jacob returned to normal, but… “Fred! You look like you belong in a Rankin/Bass show!”

Fred shook his limited-animation finger. “Are you calling me a fish?”

“No! Think ‘Year Without a Santa Claus’!” The baby hiccuped. Half the village turned into cheddar cheese.

“It’s going to be a year without a Santa Claus if we don’t get this baby to stop hiccuping! It’s getting worse!”

“This was your idea! What can we do?”

“Well you can stop being a dildo, I can tell ya that!” The baby hiccuped. Fred burst out laughing.

“What?” Jacob looked down. “I’m a… I don’t even want to know how a baby would even know what a dildo is.” Jacob started jiggling towards Santa’s house. “There’s only one man that can fix this!”

The baby hiccuped again and again. Sparks flew. The village shimmered as it cycled through various textures and questionable references to pop culture.

Jacob came to the stop at the sound of a familiar base beat. He turned to see a wide-eyed, zombified Fred shuffling towards him to the beat. His Santa suit was replaced with a red and black leather one.

A bunch of elves ran up behind Fred. They joined him in shuffling to the beat. Fred started twitching his head.

“Uh, wrong holiday, you guys.” Fred tossed Jacob the baby Shoda. “EE HEE!” Fred and the elves started dancing in formation. Jacob spun around and stood on the tips of his toes.

“Sh’ mon, little Shoda!” Jacob Jackson broke into a run for Santa’s front door.

It opened as he approached. Hiccup. JACOB skidded to a stop, the baby landing on the glossy black hood of the mid-eighties sports car. The red light on the front of Jacob swooshed. “Well this is awkward.”

Santa glowered. “Jacob, is that you?” The baby hiccuped. Jacob caught it in his big, green ogre hands. “It is! And Fred!

Fred trotted up. “Now just listen, Santa.”

Jacob turned. “Donkay!”

Santa smirked. “More like an ASS.”

Fred stomped his hooves. “Language! It’s the baby’s fault, anyway.”

“It was Fred’s idea!” Jacob added helpfully.

Santa harrumphed. “Of that I have no doubt. What to do, though?”

Jacob held up a finger. “Good question!” Another hiccup turned him back to normal… “Hey! Cool! Wait…” Except for his spider legs. “Hmm…”

“Could be worse.” Fred blinked all eight eyes at Jacob.

“GAH!” Jacob tossed the baby up into the air. Santa caught it handily. “No Santa, wait!”

The cute little Shoda looked up at Santa and stopped hiccuping. Then its face screwed up. Then it began to cry. “Aw, poor little guy!”

Fred and Jacob, along with the whole village began to rapidly change. Stupid cat memes gave way to vague references to Saturday morning cartoon shows that nobody remembers. That gave way to gritty reboots, closely followed by direct-to-TV movies with questionable plots.

Santa remained Santa through it all. First he laughed, then he rolled his eyes, then he produced a pacifier. He offered it to baby Shoda. The child took it eagerly and closed its widdle eyes. Everything grew quiet.

Jacob lowered his Buster sword and scratched at his spiky hair. “How come baby Shoda’s crying didn’t affect you?”

Santa laughed heartily. “Do you know how many centuries I’ve been putting up with crying babies?” He winked. “It doesn’t even phase me anymore.”

Jacob looked down at his strangely polygonic body. “Well, can you fix this mess, then?”

“Of course, not! Baby Shoda?” The baby looked at Santa, then at Jacob. It pulled out the binky and shouted “Woo!” Everything returned to normal except for…

“Hey, I’m pretty hot!” Fred leered at his own body. “Nice rack!” He looked up at Santa. “I uh… Where’s the closest bathroom? I have to go real bad. Heh…”

Jacob grimaced. “Dude, gross!”

“Agreed!” Santa looked at the baby, which wrinkled its nose. It pulled out the pacifier again and blew a raspberry at Fred.

The old farmhand was returned to normal, save for his second-hand Santa costume. “Aw, man!”

Jacob turned to Santa. “So, now what?”

“Now I finish getting ready for Christmas. You go with Fred and make sure he returns baby Shoda to his totally-not-a-knock-off-fictional-reality. And…” Santa turned to face you, the reader. “I’ll see you in a few short days. Merry Christmas!”

Jacob nodded. “Yes! Happy holidays!”

Fred shrugged. “Do these stilettos make me look pretty?”

Baby Shoda? Well folks, he just winked and smiled.


Fred and Jacob Save Christmas: Part VI

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V

His competitor slain, Godzilla had turned his anger on a number of nearby buildings. His energy spent, the lizard king had pounded off to the city park. The giant monster laid down, crushing trees as he went, and fell fast asleep.

Jacob stared off at the horizon from Santa’s sleigh, his chin propped up on his fist. “It’s been twenty minutes, Fred.”

“Miracles take time, boy.” The old man was rummaging around in Santa’s sack.

Jacob turned around. “Come on, Fred. Haven’t you messed things up enough?”

“…No.” He shoved his head into the bag and continued rooting around.

“Of course not.” Jacob sighed, returning his gaze to the horizon. He heard a very faint boom. He felt the building beneath them tremble slightly.

Fred popped his head out of Santa’s sack. “Did you let one?”

“That wasn’t me…” An impossibly large shadow loomed over the horizon in the distance, dimming the glow of the city. Jacob half-stood. “What the…”

The shadow grew larger. Two glowing, blood red eyes breached the skyline. Jacob stood and stared. “Fred, what is that…”

Fred crawled out of the sack and stood on the roof. He pulled a telescope out of his back pocket. He gave it a shake, extending it several feet. He held it up to his eye with shaking arms.

He let out a chuckle. “Didn’t I tell ya! It’s our Christmas miracle!”

A sound like a mighty horn sounded across the sky. The air itself shivered, and the massive creature was closer twice over. The massive beast’s eyes cast fear and sorrow on all who fell within their devilish glow.

Its head resembled that of a squid. The many tentacles stretched out into the night, flicking a thick, dark ichor onto the ground below. Perched precariously atop its head was a bright red Santa hat.

The air shimmered again, bringing the dark god Cthulhu before the slumbering Godzilla. The lesser beast stirred, then cried out as he took in the sight of the old god. The lizard king pushed himself to his feet, but still fell several stories short of the mighty Cthulhu.

Despite this, Godzilla roared in defiance. The dark god only stared, tentacles silently whipping at the night. Godzilla roared atomic fire at Cthulhu, temporarily lighting his immense black body.

Cthulhu now answered back. His mighty roar was both mournful and rage-filled, sorrowful and ripe with vengeance. Godzilla stumbled back, the dark green of his scales fading to a deathly gray.

A massive, slimy hand shot forth, capturing the once-mighty lizard. Cthulhu held the creature before him and stared. Godzilla screamed in agony as he was bathed in the hateful red light of the old god’s eyes.

Cthulhu chucked the drained creature into the night. Wherever Godzilla fell that night, it was far enough away that Fred and Jacob never heard him return to earth nor water. The old god turned his attention to the two gentlemen, perhaps hearing their very souls.

Fred was still smiling. He walked towards the edge of the roof, even as Jacob buried himself in Santa’s sack. Fred slow-clapped. “Now that, was fucking, awesome!

The air shivered once more. The massive head of Cthulhu hovered before Fred. The red glare did not appear to bother the old farmhand. Jacob peered nervously from his hiding place, shivering uncontrollably from what, he knew not.

“You always did know how to put on a show. Love the hat!” Fred held up his hand for a high-five. One of Cthulhu’s many tentacles arced down and slapped against the offered hand.

Fred rubbed the black ichor onto his pants. “Ayup… Now, for the rest of the miracle, if you don’t mind?”

Cthulhu’s black fist hovered over the edge of the building. It opened over the roof, dropping a crumpled figure covered in dark green slime. The figure stirred. A bright white light emanated through the slime covering its body.

A humming came from the figure. The slime exploded off of the figure, revealing the nude body of “Santa!” Jacob popped out of the sack and stumbled onto the roof. “You’re alive!”

Santa Claus stood shakily, covering his jingle bells. He turned to Fred and scowled. “No thanks to HIM!”

Fred frowned. “Aw, now… Don’t be sore, cousin! I fixed ya, didn’t I?”

“Fixed? FIXED! You killed me, took my clothes, and then systematically destroyed Christmas!”

“Well, not all of it! Just for these guys.” Fred vaguely gestured at the carnage down below.

Santa grimaced darkly. “Give me my clothes.” Fred blew a raspberry and flopped his way out of the loose-fitting outfit. The clothing glowed faintly before travelling through the air and onto the grateful Claus.

Much better. Now…” Santa stomped over to the sleigh. “Excuse me, Jacob.” He reached past the stunned man and into his toy sack. He came out with a small green package adorned with a red bow.

He paced back over to the edge of the building and held it up. “Merry Christmas, Cthulhu. Thank you for the uh, interesting assist.” The old god rumbled in thanks, plucking the package from Santa with a tentacle.

“Back to the depths with you, old friend.” Cthulhu shrugged his massive shoulders. The ungodly horn sounded once more, the air shivered, and the god of old was gone from sight.

Jacob walked to Santa on rubbery legs. “You… Him… Cousins?”

“Unfortunately!” He glared at the old farmhand. “Right now though, we have a holiday to save!”

“But, how? It’s so late, and…” Jacob gestured sadly to the destruction below.

“Late! Ha! It’s never too late for Santa Claus! As for the unbridled devastation…” He returned his attention to Fred.

“Aw… Do I have to?”


“Maybe they’re better off dead! You never know…”


“Oh, fine.” Fred stuck his thumb in his mouth and started to blow. His body began to fill out like a balloon. He became airborne as he grew larger.

“Jacob, my boy! Would you do me the honor of slapping your unfortunate friend out over the carnage below?”

The young man grinned. “With pleasure!” He ran towards the rapidly growing Fred-balloon and gave him a good whack. Fred cried out, floating out over the side of the building.

“There he is. All right! Jacob, into the sleigh, and quickly!” Jacob did as he was asked. Santa urged the reindeer into the night sky as soon as the young man was seated.

Santa circled around the giant Fred balloon. He handed Jacob a slingshot. “Have at it, boy!”


“Really. He’ll probably enjoy it, the sick bastard.” Santa scowled.

Jacob smirked, knowing the jolly old elf was probably correct. He aimed true, firing a pebble into Fred’s side. The old man went off like an overstuffed pinata.

Sparkling snow fell over the ravaged town. Everything it touched shimmered and became whole again. Victims stood, cars fixed themselves, the liquor store was uncrushed once more.

Santa swooped the sleigh downwards, deftly catching Fred’s disembodied head in Jacob’s lap. “Oh, man! GROSS!”

Fred stared up at Jacob, cackling. “I always wanted to be a head in life!” Jacob juggled the head to a spot between him and Santa.

“Will he… um… be okay?”

“Unfortunately,” Santa grumbled. “The rest of him should grow back by the time we’re done delivering presents. YAW!” Santa cracked the reins, sending the unlikely trio soaring into the night.

So it was, through Santa’s holiday magic, that Christmas was saved. Cthulhu retired to the depths to enjoy his ultra-rare 1995 pink crab beanie baby. Godzilla nursed his wounds in the seas off of Japan. Fred? He eventually became more of a man.

And everyone else had a very, very merry Christmas.