Fred and Jacob Save Christmas: Part V

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV

“This isn’t good.” Jacob watched with a mixture of fear and fascination as Godzilla gave Frosty a healthy bitch slap. “They’re going to destroy the entire town!

Fred nodded. “I know, it’s so cool! Popcorn?” Fred offered the bag to Jacob.

“What? No!”

“Okay, jeez! Thought you might be hungry.”

“No! It’s not cool they’re destroying the town!” Jacob spoke more quietly. “I am hungry, though.”

“TOO BAD! I don’t wanna share, now.” Fred ripped the bag out of Jacob’s hands.

Frosty the snow monster reared back one woody arm and swung his clawed hand into the side of Godzilla’s head. Godzilla snarled angrily and breathed fire into Frosty’s face. The snow monster stumbled backwards over a Greyhound bus and fell into an auto parts store.

Jacob pointed. “See? There had to be people in there! This is terrible!”

“I know! Now I have to wait to get the wheel bearing that I needed for my pal’s 1991 Buick Park Avenue.” Fred whispered, “He’s gonna be pissed!

“Those people have to be dead. This is serious, Fred!”

Fred waved a hand. “Oh… They’ll figure it out. Just watch.” Frosty pushed himself up from the ground, crushing a passing car with his hand as he went.

“Okay, there is no way that guy survived that!”

“He could be all right.” Frosty picked up the car as he went and hurled it at Godzilla. The mighty beast smacked it to the ground, crushing it further. “Well, maybe not.”

Godzilla pounded forward and grabbed Frosty’s head in both clawed hands. The snow monster screamed in pain and defiance as the lizard king lifted upwards. The scream cut off suddenly as Godzilla liberated Frosty’s head from the rest of his body.

The mighty green monster lifted the head high, howling in triumph. It unleashed its nuclear fire with unbridled fury. Frosty’s frozen rictus grin melted away, a hole rapidly melting through the snow monster’s head.

The rest of Frosty fell on top of an old orphanage. Gallons of red ichor jetted from where the monster’s head had been only moments before. Dozens of children screamed as they ran out into the street covered in the blood of the fallen.

Godzilla chucked the half-melted head to the ground, where it splatted into a white and red mess. The mighty lizard roared, then turned his sights on the Piggly Wiggly. “It’s all over…” Jacob slowly shook his head.

“Yep. I was gonna get some pork rinds from there.” Fred took off his Santa hat and placed it over his heart. “They had the best pork rinds. So crispy…”

“No, you idiot!” Jacob punched Fred in the arm.

“Ow! Christ, kid! You been shooting up again?”

“Christmas is over!” He lowered his head, tears in his eyes. “First you kill Santa Claus, then Frosty turns into a monster, then Godzilla kills him…”

“And the Piggly Wiggly…”

“I don’t know how even you can fix this mess, Fred.”

Fred rubbed at his chin. “Hmm…” He suddenly snapped his fingers. “What this story needs is a good old-fashioned Christmas miracle!”

“Like what?”

“Like… You’ll find out tomorrow!” Fred winked over Jacob’s shoulder at the reader.

“Wh… Who are you winking at…” Jacob looked over his shoulder.

“Never mind. Just wait and see!”


Fred and Jacob Save Christmas: Part IV

Part I | Part II | Part III

“Okay. So this isn’t so bad.” Jacob sat numbly staring at Frosty the snow monster as Fred slowly looped around it in Santa’s sleigh. “Santa’s dead. Frosty is a fifty-foot-tall snow demon destroying the town. It’s all good!”

Fred spared Jacob a look and grimaced. “That is one creepy smile, my friend. You okay?”

“Great! Fine! Couldn’t be better.”

“Okay, young Jacob has popped a nut.” Fred turned back to his foe. “Guess I’ve gotta do this on my own. YAW!” He snapped the reins. The reindeer went to a full gallop.

Flame rolled from Frosty the snow monster’s eyes. Fire and brimstone poured from his mouth as the sleigh flew by. The reindeer screamed in terror, just missing the searing heat.

Fred was… less lucky. He blinked, rubbing the soot out of his eyes. “Right! Intimidation… Not successful. Did the bastard get ya?” He looked over at Jacob.

“It’s warm in here, mommy!”

“Uh… Good! I guess…” Fred steered the sleigh onto the roof of a nearby high-rise. “All right, Fred. Think.” A thin wisp of smoke worked its way out of the old farmhand’s ear. “Think… think…”

Fred’s eyes darted back and forth. “Awful smoky around here.”

“Funny! Old man smoky ears. Ha ha!” Jacob pointed, giggling.

Fred frantically waved at his ears. “Must’ve blown a fuse again.” The giant snow monster gave a thunderous laugh as he passed by. “You know, I just wish I knew someone big enough to kick your ass!”

Jacob suddenly snapped out of his funk. “That’s it! Fred, Santa’s sack is full of things that people asked for, right?”

“Well yeah, sure, mm-hmm.” Fred nodded.

“So what if I wish for something to kick Frosty’s ass?”

Fred raised an eyebrow. “You really are out of it, aren’t you? That sounds like something I would think up.”

“I know! I’m scared, too.”

“All right, well… Let’s make it official.” Fred pulled a pen and paper out of Santa’s coat and handed it to Jacob.

“Are you serious?”

“Only when I have to be.” Frosty roared fire somewhere behind them. Men and women could be heard screaming in the streets. “Might wanna get on that…”

“Fine! Let’s see…” Jacob began to write. “Dear Santa…”

“Frosty just took out the liquor store, Jacob. This is getting serious.”

Jacob rolled his eyes and continued writing. “I wish for… What?”

“Something big! Hurry! He’s headed for the Piggly Wiggly!”

“Okay…” Jacob sighed, finishing off his letter. He folded it and handed it to Fred. “There you go, Santa.”

Fred wrinkled his nose, taking the letter. It glowed softly as he opened it up. He began to chuckle. “Not bad. Not bad at all! Hehe…”

He shooed Jacob out of the sleigh. “You uh… You might wanna back up for this one.” Once Jacob was a safe distance away, Fred reached into Santa’s sack.

His hands came back out holding a small Godzilla toy. Jacob’s jaw dropped. “That’s… That’s it? I didn’t ask for a toy!”

Fred gave Jacob a wink and a thumbs up. “Can’t fit a giant lizard in a little old sack, can you?” He turned back toward Frosty the snow monster and launched the mini-Godzilla into the air.

It stretched and grew as it soared into the night sky. The full-sized Godzilla landed on the street below with an earth-shaking thud. The mega-monster reared its head back and screamed into the night.

Fred slipped on a pair of sunglasses and a smile, then crossed his arms. “Ladies and gentlemen? Shit just got real.”


Fred and Jacob Save Christmas: Part III

Part 1 | Part 2

So it was that the wrinkled old Santa substitute and his young, vaguely unwilling assistant sped from house to house, delivering tainted Christmas cheer to the good boys and girls. Fred became increasingly expedient, if slightly more tipsy, with each delivery. Jacob, however, became more nervous.

“I don’t know if we are going to have enough time to deliver all these presents, Fred. We’ve already been at this for a couple of hours, and we’re in the same state.”

“Ha! We have all the time in the world, chunky-nuts!”

“Chunky-nuts…” Jacob shook his head and looked at his watch. He shook it, holding it up to his ear. “That’s not right.”

He looked at the clock on the dashboard of Santa’s sleigh. “It is! According to this, we’ve only been delivering presents for about… Two minutes?”

“Well duh. Haven’t you seen ‘Rudolph’s Shiny New Year’? Father Time can do whatever the fuck he wants, and Father Time loves him some Christmas.”

“That… makes sense, somehow?”

“Shit. I hate it when that happens.”

The unusual pair of heroes continued their mission with renewed vigor. In time, Fred caught on that he should drink more milk than scotch, and Jacob grew enough sack to lift Santa’s sack for Fred. But of course, trouble has a knack for finding its way to Fred and Jacob before too long.

“I don’t like this.” Fred’s sizable mustache twitched. “Don’t like this at all.”

Jacob followed his gaze. “What? It’s just New Jersey…”

Fred shook his head. “No. That’s bad enough.” He pointed a crooked finger. “This is where the snow monster Frosty can be found.”

Jacob scoffed. “Fred, I told you, it’s Frosty the snow man. He’s supposed to be friendly and well, kind of dumb, frankly. Also fictional?”

“Fictional my ass! Keep your eyes peeled. Shit could get real. YAW!” Fred cracked the reins, spurring the reindeer on.

The first few deliveries in this new town went according to plan. Fred was noticeably more sober. Jacob rolled his eyes at first, but became increasingly concerned at the old farmhand’s unusual demeanor.

Things came to a head when they reached the more genteel part of town. Fred got out of the sleigh and slowly walked towards the edge of the roof. “You…”

Jacob nervously followed after him. “Fred? What is it?” He strained to see what it was the old man was staring at.

Fred jabbed a finger at something on the ground as he crept forward. “YOU!” He walked straight off of the edge of the roof, landing feet first two stories below with a sickening crunch. “…Ow.”

“Fred!” Jacob scrambled to the end of the roof. “Are you okay?”

“Um… I broke both of my ankles but… You know, great.”

Jacob looked beyond Fred and saw what the old farmhand had been glaring at: a snowman in the front yard. “Are you kidding me?”

“No. They’re pretty well broken.”

“I mean the snowman! Jesus, Fred!”

“That’s no snowman, son. That’s Frosty.”

The hat atop the snowman began to glow and vibrate. The glow extended to the rest of the snowman, which spun around. It blinked its coal eyes and flashed a garish grin. “Happy birthday!”

Fred shook his ankles furiously, which crunched and cracked beneath him. “No. Not today. Come on, damn it!”

Jacob grinned from the roof. “Holy shit, Fred! It really is him! HEY! HEY FROSTY!” The young man waved towards the magical snow creature.

“Happy birthday!” The snowman started moving towards the house, dark eyes locked on Jacob. “Let’s play!”

Fred started forward, ankles crunching all the while. “FUCK OFF, ball boy!” He slammed his hand into the snowman’s chest.

The snowman looked confused. “Ha… Happy birthday?”

“Not today, you frosty son of a bitch!” Fred landed a hay-maker across the snowman’s face, sending its head spinning.

The snowman was no longer smiling when its head finally came to a stop. “Angry birthday!” The words came out as a growl. The black coal eyes sparked, igniting into flame.

“Fred… What did you do?” Jacob stepped back from the edge of the roof.

“ANGRY BIRTHDAY!” The snowman howled, starting to grow. Its features morphed, changing into something more sinister. Its mouth stretched into a demonic rictus.

Fred turned towards Jacob and pointed at the rapidly-growing snowman. “TOLD YOU! Snow monster!”

Jacob looked up and up as Frosty the snow monster’s height surpassed that of the house. “Fred… I think we should be going now.”