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Terry Jones has ceased to be

He has run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible.

Look, we all had a lot of hope that 2020 would be the year that things got better. Then things, uh, didn’t.

Then Terry Jones just had to go and pile on the misery by having the gall to seize up. Three weeks on and bam, no more. He has ceased to be.

And that SUCKS!

In all clarity, Terry Jones was one of the legendary members of the Monty Python comedy troupe. In other words, he was part of quite possibly the most important thing to emerge from the UK, my ancestors aside. The man’s body of work spans a half-century and is full of pop culture gold, for gods sake!

And now he is being far too quiet. Forever. Damn it.

The man laughed his way through his life, so I will honor him by continuing to make tasteless jokes at his expense. What follows is a selective, and increasingly exaggerated, accounting of his life.

A LEGEND IS BORN

Jones was born in 1942 in Wales to Dilys and Alick Jones. Our hero, and presumably his amusingly-named parents, moved to Surrey a few years later. Several boring school-related years later, he would meet Michael Palin. Together they would begin the groundwork that would lead to global domination.

He dove head-first into television on shows such as Twice a Fortnight, Do Not Adjust Your Set, and The Complete and Utter History of Britain in the late sixties.

Then God spake, saying “May the giant foot be upon thee.” Jones had no bloody idea what this meant, as he was still mostly intact at the time. However, he still managed to co-create Monty Python’s Flying Circus with Graham Chapman, John Cleese, and several other people, this article can’t go on forever.

Thus, Voltron was formed. The tour de force that was Monty Python, or Monty Python for short, would go on to devastate the British — and to a lesser extent, the American — countryside for the next several years.

Unable to contain their power to the small, rectangular glass tubes, the comedy troupe erupted onto the big screen with classics such as Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Life of Brian, and The Meaning of Life, and it was all Jones’ fault. Okay, well maybe not all his fault, but he did write, act in, and direct those films so let’s keep things in perspective.

Unable to cage these immense powers that made him feel funny in an uncomfortable place, he launched a multi-tiered war on common sense and human decency. I mean, honestly. The man had the gall to write a number of books, act in numerous shows and movies, write numerous shows and movies…

Okay, wait.

This man quite clearly should have been stopped long ago. Who allowed this gargantuan man of immense talent to even… and I mean he is gargantuan. Honestly, he just kept growing, upward, not outward, save for that one time. Eight-foot-nine when the Lord finally smacked him down.

Technically, he was partially responsible for David’s bulge(okay he just wrote Labyrinth, BUT STILL…)

There he was, just stealing all the glory. It was a tolerable theft, though. The kind of thing that whoops, there it is, I’ve grown used to it, now. This went on for some time.

Probably sensing that his power had grown too great for mere mortals, Jones went from working on several projects to just many in the early 2000’s. Then things went all sideways in 2014.

He re-formed Voltron with those other people in that Monty Python thing for Monty Python Live(Mostly). The Great Hidden Prophecy, sensing a resurgence in his latent abilities, set forth to silence him once and for all. Unfortunately, the plan was to all-too literally silence him.

In all(mostly)seriousness(mostly,) Terry Jones was diagnosed the next year with primary progressive aphasia. This form of dementia was Jones’ kryptonite, slowly robbing him of the ability to communicate.

He continued to make people laugh and smile through other unique styles of communication, including but not limited to: funny faces, flatulence, sock puppets, interpretive dance, and excessive blinking.

Finally, and most likely due to exhaustion from all that excessive blinking, Jones’ weary soul had enough and called it quits on 21 January, 2020. Now free of the shackles of icky humanity, only the gods know how his powers will swell. The very universe will quake in awe at the newest god to wade in its waters.

Have mercy on us, neogod Terry Jones. We didn’t know.

WE DIDN’T KNOW…

Terry Jones
1 February, 1942 – The End of Time

Looking Forward: 2020 in a Nutshell

Here’s what John Prescott has cooking for the new year

If you’ve been curious what I will be up to in the new year, then have a seat. Here’s what’s coming up.* First thing’s first:

E-BOOK ALERT: Nearly all of John Prescott’s books are now available in the Kindle store

Selling books of any kind in today’s market is increasingly difficult. It’s hard to convince people that, out of all the indie writers, you deserve their cash. It’s nearly impossible if you’re selling only paperback books.

My main goal is to be read. Therefore, I feel I have little choice but to make my books available in the Kindle marketplace. That means that as of now, After, After: Requiem, Preservation Protocol, Something Deeper, and NO ROAD HOME Book One: Echoes are available on Kindle and Kindle Unlimited.

Visit the Books Page for links directly to Amazon to purchase or start reading. FAT MOP ZOO Presents The Interludes AGAIN will NOT be made available for Kindle. This is in part due to the piracy incident, but also because all the stories are already available to read on this website.

Sales of the paperback will continue to go towards supporting Fat Mop Zoo.

Future releases will be made immediately available on Kindle and Kindle Unlimited unless otherwise noted.

NOW AVAILABLE: After: Requiem gets a new cover

Finding a good solution to a cover for After: Requiem has been a challenge from the beginning. What I ended up with was acceptable, but didn’t fit the feel of the first book. I went back to the drawing board and came up with a new design.

Two lucky folks purchased the original version in the wild, meaning there are perhaps fourteen in existence. The version with the new cover is available now on Amazon. Click Here to visit the product page.

FEBRUARY 11: NO ROAD HOME Book Two: Hunter Hunted release

Raven returns in an amazing technicolor adventure involving nuclear-ravaged mutants, sentry bots, Synthetics, and more. Will Raven discover more of his past? Will he find his quarry? Or will the tables be turned once again? Find out February 11th!

DID YOU KNOW: There are Easter eggs for both After and Preservation Protocol that can be found in the NO ROAD HOME series. In fact, all three works are connected. They all take place in the same world, but in three different realities. How many Easter eggs can you find?

JUNE 2020: NO ROAD HOME Book 3 release

I’ll be starting on the third book in the NO ROAD HOME series sometime in March with an eye towards a release in June. Will Raven finally find his family? Here’s a hint: You might just find out come June of this year.

AUGUST 2020: The Other Side of Things release

This is the Sci-Fantasy novel I’ve been working on in between working on the NO ROAD HOME series. It’s been a slog writing it this way, and I’ll probably never do it again, but I’m hoping to finally have it done in time for a release in mid-August.

David Rayne is a teenager that soon finds himself lost in another world. He is befriended by Vosh, a dog-like humanoid of the Kopek race. They venture together into the countryside in a bid to find David a way back home. They soon learn that the only person who might be able to help him is the most feared person in all the land: the Dark Queen.

Born out of a love for works like Labyrinth, Adventure Time and the Oz books, The Other Side of Things pays homage to both while creating a whole new fantasy world full of exciting discoveries, surprising twists, and dark-hearted reveals. Look for it sometime in August!

OCTOBER 2020: NO ROAD HOME Book 4 release

The fourth book in the NO ROAD HOME series will mark the third and final one out in 2020. It’s way too far out to offer much insight into this one, but rest assured there will be at least one major revelation ahead of the final chapter.

Will that, in fact, be the end for the series? That will be up to you, the humble reader. Raven will finish Book Five with answers, but also with a sense of purpose. Whether we pursue him in that purpose will depend on how many of you are interested in continuing the journey. To be continued? We’ll find out…

DECEMBER 2020: Fred and Jacob get their Game On release

Yup, that’s right! Fred and Jacob get their very own book for the first time at the ass-end of the year. Fred and Jacob get their Game On will be a short story collection of at least four all-original, never-before-published tales involving your favorite comic duo.

I’m going to try to flex my art muscle a little bit with this one, including possible comic strips and illustrations in between the stories, and maybe even an illustrated cover. We’ll see how much I’m willing to embarrass myself. Think of this book as an ode to the old Al Jaffe books from MAD Magazine.

This release will end the year with five titles released! My lord, what a year…

*All dates and releases are subject to change without notice or reason.

LOOKING BACK: January 2020

Simon’s all done, Bill had a good run, and Pisa’s tower lean is just no fun.

Well, we didn’t get to explore the eighties for very long, did we? Oh, well. New decade, new… decades? Heh… Here’s what was happening back in January 2010, 2000, and 1990.

2010

JANUARY 11: Simon Cowell leaves American Idol

“Does this shirt make my nipples look big?”

It had been rumored for some time, but Simon Cowell made it official in January of 2010: He was leaving American Idol. The show still stood at the top of prime time in the US, but Simon had his sights set on returning to The X Factor back in the UK as a judge.

His replacement was Steven Tyler which, okay. But that kicked off a tradition of constantly shifting judges in the following years. The wheels finally fell off in 2015, and there was much rejoicing…

Until they brought the show back in 2018 because, clearly, we haven’t all suffered nearly enough.

We are giving this man entirely too much money.

2000

JANUARY 13: Bill Gates steps down as Microsoft CEO

The iconic nerd behind the birth of Microsoft, Bill Gates finally stood up from the Captain’s Chair in 2000 and gave it to Steve Ballmer. While he wasn’t the funnest person to hang out with, there was no question that he had built the company into a leviathan… which is why it faced antitrust litigation only two years prior.

Bill would continue to guide product strategy until 2006, which turned out to be a good time to duck out. The very next year, Windows Vista was unleashed on us all. That was, of course, followed by the band aid known as Windows 7, and then there was Bing, Microsoft Edge…

MICROSOFT: “We’re Almost Good Enough. Kind of. Maybe.”

1990

JANUARY 7: The Leaning Tower of Pisa is closed to visitors for, well, leaning too far

Just look at that shifty son of a bitch.

It’s kind of all there in the title, isn’t it? The move was largely spurred by the collapse of the Civic Tower in Pavia, Italy. It should be noted that the Civic Tower sure as hell wasn’t leaning when it collapsed, which makes one wonder why the Pisa tower was ever deemed A-Ok for occupancy.

Especially since this decision was made after experts studied its stability for TWO YEARS before finally deciding to close it. I imagine it was mostly an expert saying “This isn’t safe” followed by Pisa officials saying “But, money!” for several months. However it happened, they closed shop and set to shoring up the structure.

The solutions were almost child-like in their simplicity. They started by taking the heavy stuff out(the bells at the top.) Then they tied the tower back with cables. Finally, they dug dirt out from underneath the high side of the tower to make it lean less.

The plan worked (eventually) and the high side of the tower settled back down nearly eighteen inches by 2001. It was reopened to the public in December of that year. Further restoration work has shored up the tower enough that experts now say it will remain stable for 200 years.

Now watch it collapse like, two years from now.

“Perfect! Now stay *right there* for two hundred years. Thanks!”

DEEP THOUGHTS: Robot Battle Royale

Two Titanium Titans square off, only one stays standing. Which will it be?

For whatever reason, my mind recently wondered to Smash Bros. Now, I’ve never played Smash Bros. anything, but I’ve always been fascinated by the concept. The latest iteration pulls in characters from all walks(and systems)of life.

Cloud Strife versus Link? Solid Snake versus Simon Belmont? Samus Aran versus Mega Man? Holy shit, dude. That’s awesome! I mean, not awesome enough to dump a few hundred dollars into equipment to try it, but yeah…

That got me thinking about classic fan-based pairings. Think Aliens vs Predator, Terminator vs Robocop, and the like. I thought I’d do my own analysis of a classic face-off. Look for the twist at the end!

Ready? BEGIN!

TERMINATOR VS ROBOCOP

This is surely one of the most iconic, and oldest, modern mash-ups fans have dreamed about. It’s been popular enough to spawn a comic book series and even a video game. But just how fair would this match-up be? Not very, when you think about it.

Let’s start with the Terminator, more appropriately referred to by its model designation, T-800. Lore says that its endoskeleton, the shiny metal skeleton that lies beneath the android’s flesh, is made of a “hyperalloy” that is stronger and more heat-resistant than titanium. The android is also insanely strong, showing the ability in at least one movie of resisting several tons of crushing force.

Anybody with a soul is going to be rooting for Alex Murphy, better known as Robocop. Whereas the T-800 is a semi-aware war machine that has been mass-produced, Robocop is a one-of-a-kind cyborg that was once a run-of-the-mill beat-cop. Unfortunately, that humanity would be a huge Achilles’ heel in this match-up.

First, the good: Robocop’s robotic components are built using titanium and kevlar components. This makes him not quite as resilient as the T-800, but strong enough to weather attacks with heavy weapons and extreme blunt-force trauma. He is less strong than the T-800, but is still capable of lifting an average automobile.

Now for the bad. Robocop is still human. Alex Murphy’s head, neck, and most of his torso make up the core of this cyborg construct. This is key. The whole is only as strong as its component parts, meaning the very thing that makes Robocop human is also his greatest liability.

THE RESULT:

I’m afraid that no matter what way you cut it, Robocop is getting his ass handed to him.

Distance fighting would see the android and cyborg fight to a stalemate. Everything from small arms up to RPGs would render some damage, but would fall short of crippling either machine. The one exception would be a well-aimed shot to Robocop’s face, at a low enough angle, destroying the brain. The real carnage would come with close-quarters fighting.

The T-800 would be able to analyze Robocop’s weaknesses on the fly and quickly dispatch him. If the machine got the drop on him, it would be able to easily approach from behind and, quite literally, rip Robocop’s head clean off. In fact, any hand-to-hand scenario would end this way. Robocop’s head and neck is an indefensible weak-point.

THE TWIST:

Enter a new contestant, from the upcoming No Road Home book Hunter, Hunted: Army Sentry One.

This heavy-duty warrior bot, built by the Army for battle and guarding heavy assets, stands at an impressive eight feet tall. The heavily armored, three-quarter-ton robot is crafted from a titanium alloy. It is armed with a Gatling-style gun, built into its right arm, with a left hand capable of exerting two thousand pounds of crushing force.

THE RESULT:

Believe it or not, this would be a relatively level playing field. Sentry One comes pre-equipped with a devastating weapon, but T-800s in the field can easily come up with weapons that are just as powerful. Both robots are heavily shielded, but would still take damage from heavy weapons fire.

The deciding factor here would be size and design. Sentry One is designed to take a huge amount of damage and remain deadly. The T-800 would already be damaged by heavy-weapons fire by the time it closed in for hand-to-hand combat. The hands-on fight would be brutal and prolonged, but the larger robot would ultimately carry the day.

BLOGGISH: Video Games

The good, the bad, and the present.

The recent announcement of the XBox Series X got me thinking about the state of video games in general. It also got me thinking about just how far video games have come since I was born. It also got me thinking about how fucking stupid and corporate “XBox Series X” sounds.

I was born in 1981. The neat thing about that is, by and large, I got to see the video game industry born. I watched it grow, falter, surge and change with each passing decade. Video games have been ever-present in my life, and boy, what an experience.

The first console we had was a Colecovision with the legally-dubious Atari add-on. My father used to tell the story of me sitting next to him on the floor with my own controller, convinced I was playing along. It wasn’t long before I actually was playing. My earliest memories of gaming include classics like Pitfall, Qbert, Carnival, and SMURF.

We got the Nintendo Entertainment System when it first came out. It was the cheaper version that came with Super Mario Bros. only. The bottom even said “Model 1a” or some such. We got the light gun eventually, the rare gray one. I still have it somewhere.

Obviously, the Super Mario Bros. series was a big favorite. Contra, Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!, Legend of Zelda, Mega Man 2, Life Force, Castlevania… There are too many favorites to count. Nintendo was the cornerstone of my childhood, and my acceptance that I will rarely ever successfully beat any given video game.

We even eventually had the Sega Master System, then the Super Nintendo(including Super Scope 6,) Sega Genesis, and then the Nintendo 64 and PlayStation.

Oh shit you guys. I mean oh shit. Polygons!

I spent a good chunk of my childhood dreaming of the day that we would finally have video games with graphics on the level of TRON. I mean, imagine it: a game world in three dimensions! The jump to 16 bit had been amazing, and Star Fox was ground-shaking, but this was full-on earthquake territory.

Now, I wasn’t stuck at home this entire time. I was a frequent visitor to the FUN Arcade at Berlin Mall back in Vermont. Yes, it was really called FUN Arcade. I don’t judge.

That was another fun thing: dreaming of the day that home systems would FINALLY catch up to the Arcade machines in terms of graphics. How awesome would it be to finally play a home port of Mortal Kombat or Double Dragon that looked just like the original! Systems like Nintendo 64 and PS1 made that a possibility.

Which was like, SO BAD for arcades, you guys.

That was the first major change in the world of video games, from my perspective. It’s not so different from what’s happening with movie theaters today. You could get a fairly decent representation of your favorite titles at home, but had to go downtown if you wanted the full experience.

Suddenly you could squeeze the arcade into your living room! Which was great! If you weren’t arcades! As much as I enjoyed watching home systems bloom, it was crushing to watch arcades shrivel away.

It’s been fun to see arcade games make a bit of a comeback via collectors. There are plenty of games out there that never got a clean console version. An emulator will never capture that certain smell, the booming base, the glowing of the monitor that the actual machines provided.

Time marches on though, as it has a tendency to do. I moved out after that generation. I was like, super-poor, so I missed out on the Game Cube, PS2, Sega Whatever-oh-shit-here-comes-the-apocalypse, etc. My next “new” system didn’t come until I picked up an XBox 360.

I was late to the game by, like, a lot. We somehow got on the subject at the place I was working at the time and Fallout 3 and Fallout New Vegas got name-dropped. They sounded like a fun cross between old-timey RPGs and Doom, so I picked up New Vegas. I’ve only recently put it back down.

It was INCREDIBLE! Here was this seemingly infinite world that I was dropped into, free to go wherever I want. I could do whatever quests I felt like doing(or not.) I could shoot people dead just because they annoyed me with minimal consequences, mold my character to my tastes… The world was mine!

NCR for life, bitches! — Join the NCR today!

I was so happy swimming around(sometimes literally)in the worlds of Fallout 3 and New Vegas that I just kind of shrugged when the XBox One came out. I was still pretty poor, didn’t have a lot of time, and these games are massive. Then Fallout 4 was announced.

So of course I got an Xbox One S, and of course I pre-ordered the special edition of Fallout 4, and of course I was kind of like meh? Yeah, me and Fallout 4 have kind of a weird relationship. I’ll try to explain.

What I loved so very much about New Vegas is that I could play up to any faction, and the other factions wouldn’t necessarily hate me right away. I could be an asshole or a saint when I interacted with people. I could play through the game however I chose, including the main storyline.

In Fallout 4, you, well, can’t do those things.

Factions are quick to demonize you if you sleep around, so to speak. You can’t be evil so much as just sarcastic and kind of mean. The storyline? The game all-but forces you down the linear path the game-makers prefer you to take.

Fuck you Maxson, you fucking elitist prick.

It was off-putting enough that I actually went back to playing New Vegas for like, months. I eventually picked it back up, but am starting to get burned out again. What made the earlier games fun just isn’t there, and the problem isn’t limited to Fallout 4.

This current generation of games are blockbusters in more than one sense. Millions of dollars and thousands of hours are poured into these behemoths. Because of the level of work that goes into them, they’re slowly becoming one-note adventures again.

Press X to win, follow this path for the “good” ending, miles of featureless nothing to explore… Everyone who plays games is familiar with these now well-worn tropes. What goes into games is now dictated by corporate number-crunchers, trying to discern the features and conditions most favorable to sales and the bottom line.

It all leaves me torn. Here finally is the near photo-realistic gaming experience I always dreamed of as a child, but somehow it’s all wrong. TRON’s CGI could be rendered in real-time on today’s consoles, but many of the games make the movie’s script look like Shakespeare, and offers you all the flexibility of a Choose your own adventure paperback.

It’s now an old cliche, but it’s an apt one: You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain. That’s starting to sound a whole lot like the video game industry. That really stinks, you guys.

-John