DEEP THOUGHTS: Robot Battle Royale

Two Titanium Titans square off, only one stays standing. Which will it be?

For whatever reason, my mind recently wondered to Smash Bros. Now, I’ve never played Smash Bros. anything, but I’ve always been fascinated by the concept. The latest iteration pulls in characters from all walks(and systems)of life.

Cloud Strife versus Link? Solid Snake versus Simon Belmont? Samus Aran versus Mega Man? Holy shit, dude. That’s awesome! I mean, not awesome enough to dump a few hundred dollars into equipment to try it, but yeah…

That got me thinking about classic fan-based pairings. Think Aliens vs Predator, Terminator vs Robocop, and the like. I thought I’d do my own analysis of a classic face-off. Look for the twist at the end!

Ready? BEGIN!


This is surely one of the most iconic, and oldest, modern mash-ups fans have dreamed about. It’s been popular enough to spawn a comic book series and even a video game. But just how fair would this match-up be? Not very, when you think about it.


Let’s start with the Terminator, more appropriately referred to by its model designation, T-800. Lore says that its endoskeleton, the shiny metal skeleton that lies beneath the android’s flesh, is made of a “hyperalloy” that is stronger and more heat-resistant than titanium. The android is also insanely strong, showing the ability in at least one movie of resisting several tons of crushing force.


Anybody with a soul is going to be rooting for Alex Murphy, better known as Robocop. Whereas the T-800 is a semi-aware war machine that has been mass-produced, Robocop is a one-of-a-kind cyborg that was once a run-of-the-mill beat-cop. Unfortunately, that humanity would be a huge Achilles’ heel in this match-up.

First, the good: Robocop’s robotic components are built using titanium and kevlar components. This makes him not quite as resilient as the T-800, but strong enough to weather attacks with heavy weapons and extreme blunt-force trauma. He is less strong than the T-800, but is still capable of lifting an average automobile.

Now for the bad. Robocop is still human. Alex Murphy’s head, neck, and most of his torso make up the core of this cyborg construct. This is key. The whole is only as strong as its component parts, meaning the very thing that makes Robocop human is also his greatest liability.


Well, shit.

I’m afraid that no matter what way you cut it, Robocop is getting his ass handed to him.

Distance fighting would see the android and cyborg fight to a stalemate. Everything from small arms up to RPGs would render some damage, but would fall short of crippling either machine. The one exception would be a well-aimed shot to Robocop’s face, at a low enough angle, destroying the brain. The real carnage would come with close-quarters fighting.

The T-800 would be able to analyze Robocop’s weaknesses on the fly and quickly dispatch him. If the machine got the drop on him, it would be able to easily approach from behind and, quite literally, rip Robocop’s head clean off. In fact, any hand-to-hand scenario would end this way. Robocop’s head and neck is an indefensible weak-point.


Enter a new contestant, from the upcoming No Road Home book Hunter, Hunted: Army Sentry One.

This heavy-duty warrior bot, built by the Army for battle and guarding heavy assets, stands at an impressive eight feet tall. The heavily armored, three-quarter-ton robot is crafted from a titanium alloy. It is armed with a Gatling-style gun, built into its right arm, with a left hand capable of exerting two thousand pounds of crushing force.



Believe it or not, this would be a relatively level playing field. Sentry One comes pre-equipped with a devastating weapon, but T-800s in the field can easily come up with weapons that are just as powerful. Both robots are heavily shielded, but would still take damage from heavy weapons fire.

The deciding factor here would be size and design. Sentry One is designed to take a huge amount of damage and remain deadly. The T-800 would already be damaged by heavy-weapons fire by the time it closed in for hand-to-hand combat. The hands-on fight would be brutal and prolonged, but the larger robot would ultimately carry the day.

DEEP THOUGHTS: Superman and his woman

A treatise on the possibility of Superman and Lois Lane making a Superbaby.

A couple of days ago I asked on Twitter:

Superman. Lois Lane. Can they pop a kid?

Here’s the results of the poll:

Seems decisive.

It’s the question that pubescent boys and sexually repressed men have been asking since time immemorial(ca. 1978.) Just what would happen if Supes and Ms. Lane played plug in the hair curler? It turns out that the majority of voters agree with me and have great taste in comedy.

Nine percent said “Nah, son.” These are the no-nonsense peeps. This is also probably the most realistic answer. The fact is that Superman and Lois Lane are different species. A cat and dog cannot make a cog, and a Superman and Lois Lane cannot make a… Super Lane? Anyway…

In reality, Superman may not even be humanoid, let alone a hunky piece of white male ass. Even if he WAS something cute enough (or Lois was drunk enough) to hit, the undoubtedly vast difference in physiology and DNA structure would prevent babyage.

…Except when it’s boring.

Another nine percent said “DUH!” and got their nerd rage on. This is justified. After all, the 2006 movie Superman Returns explains to us that not only did Superman and Lois crush it, but the booty call resulted in an asthmatic weakling boy with the creative name of Jason(spoilers for a thirteen-year-old movie, I guess.)

Of course, this movie also has Superman being a moody douche that abandoned everyone for a number of years. That’s not to mention that the big-bad in the film is an irradiated land mass. That, coupled with the fact that most red-blooded Americans have tried to repress the memory of this film make this weak proof at best.

The second-highest chosen response was “Sure.” They most likely just wanted to participate/see the answers. I question their commitment to the scientific rigorousness of this poll, but value their opinion nonetheless.

The 18 Percent.

The big winner this time around, with a crushing sixty-four percent of the vote, was DEATH BY SNU SNU! I mean, because duh, right? Just think about it…

You got the candles, the Warren G, the fact you’re Superman… It’s time to take dainty Lois to Pound Town. The problem is that I can only see this going one of two ways. Our superhero could be extremely careful and go extra gentle, inexorably leading to proof that not every part of Superman is bulletproof. If you get my meaning. Flaccid. His man of steel would be flaccid.


Superman would lean into his darkest, dirtiest desires and go at it faster than a speeding locomotive. At worst? A puddle of bloody mashed potatoes where there used to be an attractive naked woman. At best?

Worth it.

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Deep thoughts on penguins, Adventure Time, and poop. So much poop.

A few days ago, we asked a question on Twitter:

“Do you think the little penguin in the refrigerator that turns the light off ever gets lonely?”

A poll was added, and results were calculated! Here’s where we stand:

Always Gunther. ALWAYS.

So clearly a majority are concerned for the little fella. This stands to reason as Penguins tend to be social creatures. The daddy penguins tend to hang out with each other to keep warm and discuss sporting events while keeping their unborn chicks cozy. Meanwhile, the mama penguins form cliques and go shopping (read: food hunting.)

Such is the power of the penguin pack that they leave a poop stain on earth large enough to be seen from SPACE.

Poop! From SPACE!

Your dookie party has nothing on penguins.

At least one soul was concerned about the whereabouts of Gunther, which was nice. The cute little penguin pal hung out with the Ice King on the Cartoon Network hit show Adventure Time for an impressive eight years. Now that the show is over, you could argue that Gunther would be sad as well.

However, in a um… unique twist, Gunther ended up with the Ice King’s crown at the end of the lastest episode ever. The petite penguin was granted whatever wish popped into his little head. Gunther’s wish was, apparently, to be Ice King.


Well… as long as he’s happy? I guess? Yeah. Let’s just go with that.