Fred and Jacob Save Christmas: Part III

Part 1 | Part 2

So it was that the wrinkled old Santa substitute and his young, vaguely unwilling assistant sped from house to house, delivering tainted Christmas cheer to the good boys and girls. Fred became increasingly expedient, if slightly more tipsy, with each delivery. Jacob, however, became more nervous.

“I don’t know if we are going to have enough time to deliver all these presents, Fred. We’ve already been at this for a couple of hours, and we’re in the same state.”

“Ha! We have all the time in the world, chunky-nuts!”

“Chunky-nuts…” Jacob shook his head and looked at his watch. He shook it, holding it up to his ear. “That’s not right.”

He looked at the clock on the dashboard of Santa’s sleigh. “It is! According to this, we’ve only been delivering presents for about… Two minutes?”

“Well duh. Haven’t you seen ‘Rudolph’s Shiny New Year’? Father Time can do whatever the fuck he wants, and Father Time loves him some Christmas.”

“That… makes sense, somehow?”

“Shit. I hate it when that happens.”

The unusual pair of heroes continued their mission with renewed vigor. In time, Fred caught on that he should drink more milk than scotch, and Jacob grew enough sack to lift Santa’s sack for Fred. But of course, trouble has a knack for finding its way to Fred and Jacob before too long.

“I don’t like this.” Fred’s sizable mustache twitched. “Don’t like this at all.”

Jacob followed his gaze. “What? It’s just New Jersey…”

Fred shook his head. “No. That’s bad enough.” He pointed a crooked finger. “This is where the snow monster Frosty can be found.”

Jacob scoffed. “Fred, I told you, it’s Frosty the snow man. He’s supposed to be friendly and well, kind of dumb, frankly. Also fictional?”

“Fictional my ass! Keep your eyes peeled. Shit could get real. YAW!” Fred cracked the reins, spurring the reindeer on.

The first few deliveries in this new town went according to plan. Fred was noticeably more sober. Jacob rolled his eyes at first, but became increasingly concerned at the old farmhand’s unusual demeanor.

Things came to a head when they reached the more genteel part of town. Fred got out of the sleigh and slowly walked towards the edge of the roof. “You…”

Jacob nervously followed after him. “Fred? What is it?” He strained to see what it was the old man was staring at.

Fred jabbed a finger at something on the ground as he crept forward. “YOU!” He walked straight off of the edge of the roof, landing feet first two stories below with a sickening crunch. “…Ow.”

“Fred!” Jacob scrambled to the end of the roof. “Are you okay?”

“Um… I broke both of my ankles but… You know, great.”

Jacob looked beyond Fred and saw what the old farmhand had been glaring at: a snowman in the front yard. “Are you kidding me?”

“No. They’re pretty well broken.”

“I mean the snowman! Jesus, Fred!”

“That’s no snowman, son. That’s Frosty.”

The hat atop the snowman began to glow and vibrate. The glow extended to the rest of the snowman, which spun around. It blinked its coal eyes and flashed a garish grin. “Happy birthday!”

Fred shook his ankles furiously, which crunched and cracked beneath him. “No. Not today. Come on, damn it!”

Jacob grinned from the roof. “Holy shit, Fred! It really is him! HEY! HEY FROSTY!” The young man waved towards the magical snow creature.

“Happy birthday!” The snowman started moving towards the house, dark eyes locked on Jacob. “Let’s play!”

Fred started forward, ankles crunching all the while. “FUCK OFF, ball boy!” He slammed his hand into the snowman’s chest.

The snowman looked confused. “Ha… Happy birthday?”

“Not today, you frosty son of a bitch!” Fred landed a hay-maker across the snowman’s face, sending its head spinning.

The snowman was no longer smiling when its head finally came to a stop. “Angry birthday!” The words came out as a growl. The black coal eyes sparked, igniting into flame.

“Fred… What did you do?” Jacob stepped back from the edge of the roof.

“ANGRY BIRTHDAY!” The snowman howled, starting to grow. Its features morphed, changing into something more sinister. Its mouth stretched into a demonic rictus.

Fred turned towards Jacob and pointed at the rapidly-growing snowman. “TOLD YOU! Snow monster!”

Jacob looked up and up as Frosty the snow monster’s height surpassed that of the house. “Fred… I think we should be going now.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Fred and Jacob Save Christmas: Part II

Read Part 1

Fred and Jacob sat in Santa Claus’ sleigh, the numerous buttons, switches, and video screens casting an eerie blue glow on their faces. Jacob let out a low whistle. “Santa’s kept up with the times.”

“Apple!” Fred scowled. “It looks pretty, but it’s designed for idiots.” He slammed the dashboard with his fist.

“Surely that’s not actually an Apple symbol.” Jacob leaned in closer. “Okay, it is.” He grabbed the reins and handed them to Fred. “Doesn’t matter. We’ve got a job to do.”

“Right!” Fred cracked the reins. The reindeer jumped to life, running for the end of the roof. “Let’s see… On Dasher, on Dancer, on um… Pringles and Vision! You know, you guys! Go!”

The reindeer cried out in protest, but continued on, lifting up into the night sky. “And you were worried! ‘Oh, Santer Claus bit the dust! Oh, Christmas is ruined!‘ Haw!”

Jacob studied the controls before him. “Well, it will be if we can’t figure out what the hell we’re doing.”

“Simple!” Fred pushed a large, yellow button in the middle of the dashboard labeled “DELIVER PRESENTS”.

“That wasn’t there a minute ago.”

“Is it ever?” Fred grinned.

“Fair.” Jacob smirked. “Hey, this is pretty simple. Follow the markers on the map and…” He let out an “oof!” as the sleigh touched down on the next house. “Here we are, I guess.”

“Right! Time to rob the place!”

“Fred! No! I told you he wasn’t trying to rob you.”

“Yeah, I know. Maybe that’s what I wanna do. Hmm?”

“I will not let you violate the sanctity of Christmas, Fred. We’re going to make this right. Now let’s go!”

Fred crossed his arms. “I don’t wanna! I want free shit!”

Jacob smiled slyly. “There will be milk and cookies…”

Fred slowly turned his head. “Ain’t no shit?”

“Ain’t no shit.”

“…Get that damn sack, boy!” Fred leaped out of the sleigh and pounded over to the chimney.

Jacob turned around and grabbed the sack. He pulled, but the sack didn’t budge. “Huh…” He grabbed the top of the sack with both hands and pulled with all of his might. “OH GOD OKAY this isn’t working. Fred!”

The old farmhand paced back to the sleigh. “What’s yer problem, ya jackalope! Can’t handle a widdle sack?”

“Ha ha… It won’t budge.” He gestured to the sack as he stepped back.

Fred stepped up and easily lifted the sack out of the back of the sleigh. “I’m amazed you can carry around your own sack, ya Nancy-boy.” He trudged back over to the chimney.

Jacob raced to join him. “I told you the magic was in the suit!”

“Just keep telling yourself that, young man.” Fred winked, scratching at his nose. The chimney expanded, sucking in Santa’s sack, and Fred with it. “WHEE!”

“Fred!” Jacob ran to the chimney. He stared futilely into the darkness within. “Hopefully the son of a bitch is smart enough to figure out what to do on his own.”

The young man paced nervously for what felt like hours. The chimney finally stretched once more, spitting Fred out onto the roof. “Woo-hoo!”

Fred found his feet and straightened Santa’s hat on his head. “Hot damn! You should try that sometime!”

“Did you get the presents under the tree?”

“Sure did! Got the cookies and scotch, too.”

“Scotch.”

“Yep!” Fred held up a half-empty bottle and gave it a shake. “It was booze, right? Cookies and booze?”

“…Get in the sleigh.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Fred and Jacob Save Christmas

“Well, shit.” Fred looked down at the lifeless body of Santa Claus.

Jacob ripped at his hair with his hands. “Fred! What in the… I mean, Jesus fu… ARGH!”

Fred gave Jacob a funny look. “People actually say ‘argh’? I thought that was a comic book thing.”

Jacob stared blankly. “…Yes. But, no. I… What the hell are we talking about!” He pointed to the jolly corpse. “You killed Saint Nicholas!”

“Oh! Good. I thought it was Santa Claus.”

“IT IS! You idiot!”

“Hey! He’s the one that tried to break into my house! Landed on my roof, tried to crawl into my damn chimney…”

“He was trying to bring you a gift!

“The gift of THIEVERY! Now Jacob, these are desperate times, but…”

“I’m done. I’m completely done, Fred!” Jacob threw his hands up. “Christmas is ruined. All those poor kids aren’t getting presents. And it’s all your fault!”

“Wait…. That’s Santa Claus?”

“Yes! What is wrong with you!”

Fred shrugged. “The doctors are still looking into it.”

Jacob turned away from Fred and paced towards Santa’s abandoned sleigh. “There’s got to be something we can do. I mean, Tim Allen did alright. He got the suit…”

“There IS something we can do.” Jacob slowly turned around. “WE will be the Claus!”

“Fred, that’s… You look like Deadpool.”

“Well it’s red, isn’t it?”

“Yes, but…”

“Fine.” Fred dramatically sneezed. Shimmering light sparkled down the length of his body, revealing Santa’s outfit as it faded. “Better?”

Jacob stared wide-eyed at Santa Claus’ body, now stripped down to its underwear. “Was that necessary? I mean, you could have just magicked up your own suit.”

“But the magic is in the suit, right? Like that snow monster Frosty’s hat?”

“You mean snowman.”

Fred gave Jacob a serious look. “You’ve never heard the truth, have you?” He shook his head. “Another time, young ward! Let’s go!” He ran off to Santa’s sleigh.

Jacob reluctantly followed. “Here we go again.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

FlashFic: Last Dance

The old gentleman peered out of the window. At first he saw nothing, the light of the room overpowered the soft luminescence of the street lamps outside. “Cassandra, dim the lights.”

“Dimming the lights,” the computer responded. The view outside improved as the interior lights dimmed. He smiled.

The view was a simple one. A pair of lamps illuminated the street down below. He remembered, when he and Florence had first moved in, he had insisted that the lamps be changed to reflect the period in which the house had been built.

The city had insisted that he pay for the changes. He had happily done so. The lamps were significantly dimmer than the ultra bright LEDs they replaced, but closely resembled the gaslights of yore.

Their light shone a little brighter tonight. It was snowing. The sight of the large white flakes glowing under the lamplight grabbed at his heart, and stoked his memory.

It seemed not so long ago that he and Florence had walked that secluded street hand in hand, smiles on their faces, love in their hearts. She had looked so beautiful. Her cheeks were rosy from the cold, her eyes glistening…

He stepped back. His eyes lingered on the scene as he turned about. He paced over to the fireplace. The warmth wrapped around his body, but missed his soul. That was warmed instead by the picture on the mantle.

He was staring at himself. Well, it was a younger version of himself. Beside him was his beloved Florence. She was older in this photo than she was in his memory on the street.

“So beautiful.” He smiled again. The photo had been taken in their very own ballroom, one floor below where he stood. He and Florence were in period dress. How Florence had loved holding dance parties…

He gazed into the fire below. Sometimes he could almost imagine the flames were tongues, trying to convey their ancient knowledge. If they spoke tonight, it was too quietly for him to hear. He was on his own.

He had been, for five years now. Long enough, he supposed. He stepped over to his old leather easy chair. It tempted him to rest in it one last time, but he had other intentions.

Instead, he picked up the small yellow capsule from the side table. Such a small thing. The doctor told him that once he took it, the end would come in a few short minutes. Wasn’t technology something?

He dry swallowed it before picking up the tumbler of scotch that had laid next to it. No good would come from tainting his last drink with such bitter medicine. He swirled it thoughtfully.

No time to waste now, though. He drank it all at once, reveling in the sudden fire drawing its way down to his gut. The exotic notes of wood and vanilla lingered in his mouth.

Only one thing to do, now. He picked up the last object left on the table. A small, crystal cube. The light of the fire painted jagged rainbows throughout its interior. He walked with it to a machine on a shelf on the far side of the room.

He placed it gently on top of the machine. The platform on which it set rose several inches. Brilliant light poured from the cube and fell to the floor a few feet away.

The fuzzy image of a woman materialized, glowing slightly around the edges. A tear slipped down the old man’s cheek. “Hello, Florence.”

The woman, clearer now, smiled back at him, waiting. He stepped forward and held out his hand. “One last dance, my dear?”

The holographic Florence curtsied playfully and held out her hand. He waltzed, effortlessly mirroring the hologram’s moves, smiling into her shimmering eyes. For a moment, just a moment, he was with her again.

He stepped back at the end of the song and bowed to his partner. He smiled, his eyes glistening with love and memories. He dragged his increasingly heavy feet to his leather chair.

He granted its wish and fell into it with a healthy sigh. His gaze returned to the hologram patiently waiting for him. “I’ve missed you my dear… so much.”

His smile faltered, then fell away. His eyes dimmed. The only light in them now coming from the aging hologram.

He lifted himself from the chair, feeling much lighter now, much younger. He glowed not unlike the hologram on the far side of the room. He turned his attention to a much brighter figure that was now standing before him.

She offered him her hand. He took it, his smile returning. “Hello, Florence.” Together they danced into the night… into eternity.

The Cave

“I don’t know Bobby…” The young boy stepped carefully along the cave’s slick, uneven floor. He stayed as close to his friend as he could, trying to wrap the beam from Bobby’s flashlight around him like a blanket.

“Don’t know what, David the Dweeb? Scared of GHOSTS?” Bobby spun around and held the flashlight under his chin. He moaned like a ghost, rolling his eyes dramatically.

David pushed him. Bobby laughed, turning back around. “NOT funny, Bobby! My grandpa used to tell us stories about this cave all the time. He was scared of it!”

“Well at least we know where you get your scaredy-cat ways, don’t we?”

“He was not a scaredy-cat! He fought in the Vietnam war!”

“Yeah, whatever…” Bobby suddenly slipped forward. “Ahh!”

David screamed. “What happened! What is it!”

Bobby was laughing again. “Dude! Calm the hell down. I just slipped on some mud or something.”

“I really think we should just leave, Bobby. I don’t like the feeling in here. My grandpa said the witch…”

“Grandpa, grandpa, GRANDPA… You’re the one that wanted to come in here in the first place! Besides, there’s no witch.”

“Grandpa said she doesn’t like kids who don’t believe…”

Bobby sighed, exasperated. He spun around, almost falling again. “Look, if you don’t want to keep going, then go on and get out of here!”

David stared at him with wide, trembling eyes. He lowered his head. “Let’s keep going.” Bobby said nothing. He turned and started walking again. David walked a little farther back now.

A sudden, cold breeze blew over them both. David inhaled from the sudden shock. He turned back towards the cave entrance. He couldn’t see it.

Bobby turned around. “Are you babying out again?”

David hugged himself. “No! That wind was cold.”

“That was kind of weird… Wow! We’re pretty far in, huh?” A faint whispering glided along the cold breeze this time.

Bobby spun around. “What the… Who’s in here!” He swung the flashlight about. It revealed dark gray walls, nothing more. He froze and listened carefully.

Whispering came from behind him. He half-turned. “Very funny, David.” He took a few more steps forward, straining to see beyond the flashlight’s fan of light.

He stopped and listened again. More whispers echoed behind him. He spun around again. “Knock it off David! It isn’t…”

David wasn’t there.

Bobby spoke quietly, his voice shaking. “David? Where are you, buddy?” Another cold wind, more of a blast, struck Bobby in the back. With it came not a whisper, but a vague, raspy howl.

“David! Wait for me!” The boy began to run, the light from his flashlight bobbing wildly on the craggy cave walls. His feet splashed through shallow puddles of stagnant water.

The wobbling light picked up on a pale face, twisted and scowling, glistening and wet. Bobby screamed, trying to stop and turn all at the same time. The slick floor denied his request, sending him sprawling onto the ground. The flashlight flew from his hand. It went dark as it crashed off of the cave wall.

Bobby began to cry. He dragged himself backwards, panic squeezing his heart as the dark pressed in on him. He whipped his head back and forth, eyes wide, trying to see something, anything.

He quieted himself enough to listen. He could here the quiet dripping of water in the distance. Nothing more. He slowly dragged himself up into a sitting position.

“Bobby.” David’s voice floated out of the gloom.

“David?” Bobby sniffed. “Where are you?”

“Right here, Bobby.” The flashlight clicked on. “Here with mother.”

“Your mom? What?” Bobby started moving backwards.

The flashlight’s beam swung up, illuminating David’s twisted, bloodless face. His eyes blood red, his teeth sharp and glistening, revealed in a gnarled grin. “Join us, Bobby. Join mother…”

Clawed hands dug into Bobby’s shoulders, an unearthly cackle ringing in his ears, drowning out his final scream.

The flashlight clattered to the floor once again, falling dark for the last time.