Short Stories

Uninvited

A day of urban exploration takes a sinister turn.

Karen slid the fiberboard away from the hole in the wall behind the old Fillmore strip mall. She knelt by the opening and peered in. She pulled her head back and smiled at the boy behind her. “Here it is!”

He didn’t look nearly as impressed. “It’s a hole. Very impressive.”

“Oh come on, Nick. It’s exciting! Who knows what we’ll find in there!”

“Oh, I don’t know… Rats, rabid dogs, hobo piss…” Karen ignored him and crawled through the opening. He rolled his eyes. “Guess I’m finding out.”

Karen shined the light from her smartphone in Nick’s face as he crawled into the room with her. He squinted his eyes and banged his head on the shelving above him. “OW! Seriously?”

She giggled. “Klutz!” She playfully shoved him aside and reached through the hole for the fiberboard.

“Worried about tipping your hand to the homeless people?”

Karen made a face in the glow of her phone. “Cops go by here all the time, jackass.”

“Nice.” Nick stood, squinting into the gutted clothing store. “Why am I here, again?”

“Because you expressed interest in my hobbies, jack…”

“Ass… Yes, I know.” He walked towards the front of the store. “It’s brighter than I thought it would be.”

“They usually are. Natural light…” She pointed up. “…From skylights. It saves money and is more welcoming.”

“Well, it didn’t save them enough, did it?” He smirked. He grabbed the gate pulled down over the store’s entrance. “Game over. Let’s go home.”

Karen stuck her tongue out at him. She grabbed the gate and yanked it upwards. It rose halfway before it caught on something and stuck fast.

“The website said explorers broke it weeks ago.”

“Was that before or after they chewed through the wall?”

“Ha ha.” Karen ducked under the gate and into the mall.

It was deathly quiet. The sunlight pouring through the large front windows of the strip mall was shaped by the thin, shifting fog of dust that hung in the air. Nick pointed at the windows. “Oh, good! The cops won’t event have to get out of their car to see us!”

Karen rolled her eyes. “That’s why we stay away from that side of the mall. Duh!” She gave him a shove and walked past him.

Nick hesitated. Karen turned back around. “Look, if you don’t want to do this, then just leave. I can take care of myself.”

“Whatever. I’m fine. I just don’t want to get in trouble with the cops again. My old man will kill me.”

“Then stay away from the windows, and follow me.” She turned and walked away, signaling him to follow with her finger.

They slowly walked towards the middle of the mall, being careful to stay towards the back. Nick halfheartedly peered into the stripped-down stores as they passed. Karen stopped occasionally to take pictures with her smartphone.

“There’s the middle!” Karen pointed excitedly to a large, open area. In the middle was a low wall that formed a ring. A handful of dying trees were languishing in the soil-filled middle. Weathered benches faced outward at regular intervals around the wall. Most were broken.

“And there’s the map!” Karen looked carefully through the filthy front windows, then dashed over to the aging kiosk. She knelt below the map and took a smiling selfie.

Nick followed her over to one of the benches facing away from the front windows and sat down. He smirked as a cloud of dust floated up between them. “What interests you so much about a place like this, anyway?”

“I feel like Indiana Jones! It’s exciting, exploring a place abandoned for years. Besides… This one’s supposed to be haunted.” Karen smiled devilishly.

Nick snorted. “Haunted… Seriously? You believe in that?”

“Well, kind of, I guess. I looked it up. There was a murder here, back in the nineties. The guy was some devil worshiper, or something.”

“You know, that’s some real bad horror movie crap right there.” He shook his head, smiling. “I gotta take a piss. I’ll let you know if I find any ghosts.”

Karen punched him in the shoulder. “The restrooms are on the other side of the mall, you know.”

“Who said I was going to use the restroom?” He grinned.

“Seriously? That’s gross!”

Nick stood and shrugged. “So is this place. See you soon.” He winked and walked off.

“Boys,” she mumbled to herself. Karen looked through the pictures on her phone. She picked out one she liked and tried to open her social app. “No signal? Seriously?”

She put her phone away and stared off in the direction Nick had walked. “What, is he taking a shit, or something?” She shouted. “Did you fall in!”

Karen’s voice echoed down the length of the abandoned mall. There was no reply. “Nick?” Still nothing.

She stood up and dusted off her backside. “I swear, if that little shit tries to scare me…” She started off towards the other side of the mall, hugging herself.

“Nick?” Silence. She continued walking. Something rustled in the store to her right. “Got you! You better not try to scare me.”

She peered through the broken gate of the old toy store. There was nothing inside, save for swollen, discolored ceiling tiles littering the floor. “What the hell, then…”

A mouse darted out from under a pile of ceiling tiles, squeaking all the way. Karen cried out, stamping her feet. “Damn it!”

She nervously laughed at herself. She took a deep breath and looked further down the mall. “Damn it, Nick! Where are you?”

Karen peered into the next store. “I bet he left me, the ass…” One of the trees in the middle of the mall rustled loudly. She spun around, grabbing at her chest.

“How in the hell…” The half-dead branches were still settling. She started back towards the benches. “I should never have told you about that murder!” She smiled.

She heard something dripping as she approached the trees. “Oh, gross! Are you pissing over there?” The dripping slowed. “Come on, answer me! Don’t be an asshole.”

Karen stormed around to the far side of the trees. She stopped dead. The blood drained from her face. She began to scream.

Nick was hung by his neck from one of the dying trees. He was shirtless. His throat had been slashed open. Bloody entrails hung from a gaping wound in his abdomen.

Karen stumbled backwards, still screaming, shaking her head. She stared at Nick’s corpse in disbelief. His dull, white eyes stared back. She turned and ran.

She fumbled her phone out as she went. She numbly punched 911 into the phone and hit the call button. “We’re sorry. Your call cannot be completed at this time.” She growled and hung up.

She stopped in front of the store they had gone through to enter the mall. The gate was closed. “What…” She grabbed it with both hands and lifted. It didn’t budge. “No!” She jerked up hard on it. The gate remained locked.

“This isn’t happening!” She half-screamed the words. She spun around and fell back against the gate. She looked from one end of the mall to the other, breathing heavily.

She looked to her left. One of the main entrances was a short walk down that way. Even if she couldn’t get out, if she could just get lucky and have a cop go by…

A loud crack came from somewhere behind her. She screamed and ran blindly. She slowed as she approached the entrance, then stopped.

“NO!” The glass entrance was lined from one end to the other with five-foot-tall plywood. The ground before it was still littered with broken glass. No way out. No way to see in.

She fished out her smartphone. There was still no signal. Something rustled in the old entryway. She snapped her head back up. Something dark slithered in the shadows.

Karen slowly started backing away, a shiver working up her spine. Something smooth and warm halted her progress. She screamed and dropped her phone.

She spun around. Nick took a step back. He was smiling. “Wow. Okay! I thought you weren’t scared to be alone?”

Karen looked from Nick to the trees in the distance and back again. “You’re alive… But I saw you. You were dead!” She took a step back.

The smile faded off of Nick’s face. “Oh, I’m dead, all right.” Blood began to trickle from a red line that stretched across his throat. “And now you’ll be dead, too!” His eyes turned black.

Karen turned to run. The black, twisted creature that had hid in the shadows burst forward. Its jagged, silver teeth dug into her throat. Blank, brilliant yellow eyes stared into her own as the life bled out of her.

“I tell ya, the damn city needs to get off its collective ass and force the owner to tear this place down!” The officer kicked a piece of debris out of his way. “We’re coming here what, sometimes three times a week for break-ins?”

The officer’s partner nodded. “Something like that.”

“Looters, partiers, now screamers…” The officer spotted something in the old, half-dead trees in the middle of the mall. “There you go…” He pulled his revolver. “Police!”

The two officers approached the trees, weapons pointed at the ground. They stared, unbelieving at the two corpses hanging from one of the trees. A young man, throat slashed and abdomen ripped open. A young woman, throat torn to shreds.

Something growled deeply in the shadows behind them…

INTERLUDES: Dear Mother

OFFICIAL US DOCUMENT

Do Your Part! – If you think your loved one has revealed a state secret in this document, report it immediately to local authorities. Don’t let your love for your family member cause the death of someone else’s!

April 21, 2031

Dear Mother,

How are things back home? I hope you and the old man are doing all right. I got a letter from Uncle Jerry saying that Jenna got accepted into the state college. Well, that’s just all right, isn’t it? Send her my love.

Things could be better here. War is war, of course. It was hard flying into London and seeing the devastation those damn Chinese fools wreaked there.

The hard part is England wasn’t even with us when this whole war broke out. Can’t say that I blame them, after how we did them wrong. I suppose the Chinese didn’t want them changing their mind. Still…

Heathrow airport is still a shambles, but is beginning to be rebuilt by our boys. The locals still looked at us like filth. I understand that many of them blame US for the attack.

A couple of flights on and we landed in Iraq in the middle of the night. I imagine the folks there would be a might more comfortable with us, if they’d been up. I heard Congress might bring up a vote on making it the 52^nd state. Wouldn’t that be a thing?

I don’t know how much longer they’d be happy, though. Sounds like Russia is looking to get into the fight. They’re just about close enough to spit on them, thanks to Turkey and Iran.

The main battle’s in India now, I guess. China took Japan easy last year of course, so it’s slim pickings coming in from that side. The higher-ups said they’re worried about the Chinese having our bot technology now.

That’s what we’re in Iraq for, I guess: bot training. Well, it’s bot-suit training if I’m being accurate. Not sure how much I’m supposed to be talking about it.

It’s something else to see, mama! The old man would love every moment of it, being an old bot fighter and all. These are a bit larger than what he got to play with, and you get to wear them.

I’d say they’re about fifteen feet tall and look meaner than all hell. The trainers put it best, saying it’s not unlike wearing a tank. I don’t know why we don’t just use tanks instead, but I ain’t in charge of the military, so…

I’m getting pretty good at it, though. They have us run simulations through this Chinese town they pieced together. We have to gun down everyone, including the kids. I know they’re just bots under that skin, but it just feels wrong.

I guess we had to come up with something to show up the boys in blue. The air force has been bringing in these ultra-sonic jet bombers. They look kinda like what I suppose a UFO would look like.

They’ve flown overhead a couple times since I’ve been here. It’ll be all quiet at first, then you hear this low rumble. That builds up to this loud warbling sound.

The planes fly so fast that you can only kinda half-see them. They’ll be there for a minute, pause, then suddenly be halfway across the damn sky. It’s supposed to be something to do with quantum pockets in subspace or something.

It sounds like the government is trying all sorts of things just now. China has us dead to rights and they know it. Now I know that it’s just rumors they have nuclear bombs, but just look at the situation.

They’re real friendly with Russia, now ain’t they? Got real close ever since the US dropped the ball on trade relations. I bet they got enough to cause us some real headaches.

That’s the real reason both sides are getting so fancy with the ground fight. We could blow each other away any time we wanted. Nobody wants that.

We still have to demonstrate our power without pushing them too far, I guess. They see what we’re doing and push back. Then we build bigger bots and faster jets… You get it.

Something feels different lately, though. Seems like both sides have been turning up the heat with their spying activities. I’ve heard some crazy rumors about the Chinese, lately.

You ever seen that classic science fiction movie with the jungle alien? He could make himself invisible to the army guys and all that? Dad has a copy of it if you haven’t.

That’s the rumor, right there. They have some sort of cloaking device that makes it so you can’t see them. They just turn it on and sneak into a troop transport and whatnot.

Then they can do whatever they need to. They take pictures, copy papers, things like that. Then they leave the same way they came in, the army none the wiser. They’re supposed to be nearly undetectable.

It’s got everyone plenty paranoid. Seems like wherever I go, I feel like I’m being watched. Then again, we got our own thing going, now.

You see, we got our own spy program here. They’re being super-secretive about it, of course. In fact, you have to be specially selected to participate. You know, selected like me.

It’s a hell of a deal, mama. They said that being a part of the program doubles my pay, halves my tour commitment, and promises early retirement with full benefits. It’s hard to believe, I know.

I looked it over real careful though, just like Daddy taught me to. I didn’t see anything that sent up alarm bells, other than the offer itself, naturally. It’d be a damn felony not to do it, as Grandpa used to say.

Now, naturally I had some concern about the risks involved, being how generous the offer was. They set to reassuring me almost immediately. I still think I got reason to worry, all the same.

With the program having a name like [REDACTED], I feel I have all the reason in the world to worry. They reassure me it’s just a name, though. It’s just meant to scare the Chinese, they tell me. Seems to work both ways, though.

They were a little light on details of course, but it sounds like more quantum mumbo-jumbo. They put you in this magnetic resonance chamber and flood it with antineutrinos. This causes some sort of phase shift in your atomic structure, I guess.

Long story short, you end up just as invisible as those Chinese spies, but there’s no known way to detect you. The most they’ve been able to pick up on is a slight change in something called EMF. They said it’s about the same energy given off as an incoming text message.

As if that isn’t good enough, supposedly you can go through solid walls! There was more talk about quantum states and so on. It was hard to follow. I just can’t imagine it!

Now obviously it’s a little scary, thinking I’m going to be reduced to the equivalent of a text message. The scary part is they kind of agreed with me. They admitted they’ve had “problems” reversing the process at the end of the soldier’s mission.

So right there is your reason why I’m being so richly rewarded for volunteering. That’s why I’m writing, too. They said it’s best to write a letter home while I still had the fingers to do it. Haha, right?

I’m sure I’ll be right as rain, though. I go through the process tomorrow. I have to admit I’m as excited as I am scared. It’s almost like having superpowers, isn’t it?

Regardless, I’m ready to get on with it. Sometimes when I’m alone, I swear I can hear screaming. It’s real quiet though, like through a wall or a great distance.

I heard the Chinese are using psychological warfare, too. Maybe this is that, but I don’t know. Maybe it’s all the folks going through that machine.

I sure hope not, though. They don’t sound very happy wherever they are. I guess I’ll find out soon enough, won’t I?

I love you, Mama. Send Daddy my love, too. Try not to worry too much about me. I’m sure I’ll see you in time for Christmas.

Love, Dennis

FILED: 22 – 4 – 2031

SENT: 31 – 5 – 2031

DELIVERY ON DEATH ONLY.

Refer to Subsection 8, article iii for more info.

NOTE: This section to be REDACTED for the sake of the recipient.

One More Time

David smiled at Suzie, gently squeezing her hand as they walked along. “I’ve always loved this town.”

Suzie smiled back. “I know you have.” She looked towards the sun slowly sinking towards Blueberry Hill. “Part of me could stay here forever, but I know we need to leave.”

“It will just be for a little while. I promise.” David waved to a passing Mustang sports car.

The driver stuck his head and arm out. “Hey, losers! Haha.” The young man roared the engine, surging forward.

David grinned. “Such friendly people we’ve lived with, here.” Suzie giggled.

“Oh, there’s the square! Let’s walk through it one last time.”

David looked at the sinking sun. “I don’t know if we’ve got the time, Suzie Q. I don’t want to miss our opportunity.”

“We’ll be fine, silly! They always start the show late, anyway.”

“I guess you’re right.” David shrugged. “Let’s be quick, though.” He steered her towards the quickly-filling town square.

The square — the largest in the tri-county area — was a churning circle of human life. David and Suzie waved almost constantly to kids they knew from the local high school. The older folks sat in creaky lawn chairs, lazily swatting at flies and watching the younger ones mill about.

Those of parenting age were swarming the concession stands and, more notably, the entrances to the bars at either side of the square. Suzie looked longingly at the popcorn stand.

“No.” David shook his head. “If I can’t have a beer, then you can’t have popcorn.”

Suzie playfully slapped at his shoulder. “You’re technically not old enough to drink, anyway.”

“Never stopped us boys, now did it?” He winked and grinned.

A balding man in a white button-up shirt with rolled-up sleeves waved to them as they reached the far end of the square. David spoke through clenched teeth. “Aw, jeez.”

Suzie squeezed his hand. “Oh, quit!” She waved to the man up ahead. “Hello, Mister Miller!”

“Hello Suzie! Hello, Mister Donaldson.” There was a knowing lilt in his voice as he greeted David. “Where are you two headed? Don’t you kids want to see the band play after the fireworks?”

“Oh, for sure, Mister Miller!” David smiled. “We just wanted to watch the display from up on Blueberry Hill.”

Ah, ha. Mister Miller tilted his head. “You two aren’t going up there to do anything else, are you?”

David shrugged, looking from Suzie to Mister Miller. “Well I don’t know what else we’d be doing up there after dark, sir.”

Mister Miller nodded. “I know it’s hard to believe, but I was a youngster once, too. I won’t mind your business, but make sure you think twice before doing something you’ll later regret!” He finished the thought looking at Suzie.

David’s smile was faltering. “Of course, Mister Miller.”

Suzie waved as David pulled him along. “Thanks for caring, Mister Miller!” The older man waved briefly before going off after a pair of boys causing mischief on the old war monument.

“That was a close one, huh?” David snorted. Suzie gently elbowed him in the ribs. “Oh, stop! It’s always fun to see you squirm in front of him.”

“He’ll be the one squirming before too long.” Suzie hit him. “Well, it’s true!” He eyed the long and twisting trail up Blueberry Hill. The golden rays of the setting sun fanned out through the trees behind the crest.

“I guess we better hurry up.”

“Just like I’ve been telling you since before the square, girly.”

Suzie stuck her tongue out and winked. “Don’t be such a grump to me.”

The two hiked up the hill in silence for a time. Mister Miller was partly right, even if he didn’t know it. The two had come up here to get a specific view in the past, but not tonight.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” David mumbled.

Suzie looked up the trail. It was Jimmy Owens. She smiled thinly. “Hi, Jimmy.” The young man had tried, and failed, to ask Suzie out a year ago.

He never really got over it, and constantly made sure Suzie and David knew it. “It’s awful late for you two to be up here by yourselves, you know.”

“Well you’re up here now aren’t you, Jimbo?” David sneered.

Jimmy stuck his nose up. “I am, and I’m headed down the trail, if you’ve failed to notice!”

“Well, don’t let me hold you up.”

Jimmy fumed. “Maybe I should mention this to an adult once I get to the bottom?”

David looked at Suzie with a grin before turning back to Jimmy. “Go fuck a pig, Jimmy.”

The young man’s mouth hung open. “Wh-What did you say to m-m-me?”

“I said go tell it to the fucking rocks, Jimmy.” David rushed forward and grabbed the young man by his windbreaker. He sent Jimmy screaming over the side of a cliff before Suzie even knew what was happening.

His scream was cut short as he crashed head-first into the rocks at the bottom of the cliff. David peered over the edge. He made a face before smiling. “That’s some serious splatter! Damn…”

Suzie punched him in the shoulder. “You jackass! What if someone saw?”

“What if someone did? Who cares? We’ll be gone in no time.” He spit over the side of the cliff. “Little turd was annoying as hell.”

Suzie grabbed his arm and tugged. “Well, let’s not wait around to find out one way or another. The fireworks will be starting soon.”

The young couple reached the top of the hill. They settled down on top of a large boulder jutting out of the earth. Suzie drew the cooling air in through her nose and blew it out. “Look how pretty the square looks tonight.”

David smirked. “Pretty full of tightwads, jerks, and wannabes.”

“Oh quit, David Donaldson! You’ve hung out with those jerks for years, now.”

“Yeah…” He waved a hand at the square. “Aw, quit! You’re gonna make me give a shit in a minute.” Suzie giggled. A single rocket lifted into the sky and popped in the darkening sky. “Oh! It’s starting!”

The two watched the fireworks quietly hand in hand. David had to admit, it was the nicest show he’d seen in the past few years. Suzie leaned her head on David’s shoulder as the last bursts faded and the gathered crowd cheered.

She sighed. “It’s time, isn’t it.”

“Yeah… Let’s get it over with, huh?” He pulled out a small pistol. He turned it over in his hand. “You know… this never gets old for me.” He pointed it high in the air and pulled the trigger.

Instead of an explosion from the gun, there was an explosion from the middle of the square. David turned to Suzie, laughing. Two more explosions took out the majority of the party-goers. The rest ran from the square, screaming.

They were quickly confronted by soldiers in dark uniforms. The military men fired indiscriminately, taking out young and old, male and female. Another explosion wracked the old courthouse as the soldiers pressed in.

David and Suzie watched with grins on their faces, the raging fires below reflecting in their gleaming eyes. Mister Miller ran up to one of the soldiers, waving his arms. David chuckled as he was gunned down.

The two stood and stretched as the mayhem started to settled down. “Well that was fun.”

Suzie nodded. “Yeah… I guess it was. I still always feel bad, you know.”

“I know.” David smiled gently. He pulled a small device from his pocket. “You ready?”

Suzy sighed, looking out at the carnage below. “Yeah, I guess.”

David pressed a button on the device. The world around them rippled like a heatwave on hot cement. Soon everything became dark.

Suzie opened her eyes and sat up with considerable effort. The elderly lady removed the VR headgear with a sigh and set it aside. She watched her husband of sixty years do the same.

David stood with a deep groan. “Wish we could just stay in there all the time.”

“I know, but you know what the doctors said about that.”

“To hell with the doctors.”

“That works in there…” Suzie pointed at the the VR headgear. “But that won’t fly out here, love.”

David sighed deeply. He looked out the window. Endless, lifeless desert stretched out as far as he could see. “It’s much more fulfilling to relive our childhood than to waste away out here.”

“I know…” Suzie lowered her head. “We can go back in after dinner, alright? Maybe we can skip the killing part this time, though.”

David smiled, nodding gently. “I suppose this one time. Pizza sound good?”

An Interlude: Part 6

An Interlude | An Interlude Continues | An Interlude: Part 3

An Interlude: Part 4 | An Interlude: Part 5

Jacob turned away from the encroaching ninja robots to take stock of the situation on deck. There was Jacob, Fred, and nobody else, really. The remaining pirates were either dead, below decks, or jumping ship.

There was only one man that could save them now. He stood tall, puffed out his chest, and… turned to Fred. The old farmhand looked decidedly different.

Fred was sitting in a futuristic-looking tan captain’s chair. He was wearing a red and black jumpsuit and was decidedly balder than usual. Jacob raised an eyebrow. “You’re, uh…”

The old farmhand scowled. “Go ahead and say it. I’m bald. You’d go bald too, putting up with the likes of you.” He waved a hand. “Ain’t shit, though.”

He cleared his throat. “Take your station, Mister Woof! Shields up!”

“Mister Woof…” Jacob ran dark brown hands over his black and yellow jumpsuit. “Oh, what…” He tentatively touched at his forehead. There were hard, folded wrinkles covering it. He smiled. “Could be worse.”

He turned around to see a combat station before him. He quickly sat down and surveyed his control panel. “Let’s see.” An endless ocean of buttons, pull-knobs, toggle switches and sliders greeted him. “It didn’t look this complicated on the show.”

He turned to face Fred. The old farmhand threw out his hands. “What, do I have to do everything? It’s the red button! In the middle!

Jacob turned back to the control panel. A giant red button labeled “SHIELDS, IDIOT” was flashing in the middle. He slapped it with his hand and looked up.

A bright blue translucent bubble wrapped around the old galleon. Jacob pumped his fist, crying out. He caught himself and cleared his throat. He spoke in a mock deep voice. “Shields up, captain.”

The cables strung between the two ships separated where the shield fell on them. The ninja robots crossing them leaped through space towards the shield, shouting their battle cries. Jacob watched amused as one after another bounced uselessly off of the glowing energy field and floated off into space.

Fred nodded his approval. “Very good! Now let’s finish this. Launch the proton burrito!”

“The what!” Jacob looked down at the control panel. Another large button, clearly labeled “PROTON BURRITO”, was flashing in the middle of the board. “Oh! Right, then.” Jacob slapped his hand on the button and watched.

True to form, a large, incandescent burrito emerged from the side of the galleon. Fred and Jacob watched in anticipation as the oversize wrap slowly approached the side of the robot-ninja ship. Many of the robot ninjas stopped to watch, making curious noises.

The burrito finally reached the ship and… splattered uselessly against the side. Jacob looked morosely at Fred. “Oh… I uh… This never happens to me baby, I swear!”

The robot ninjas looked at each other and shrugged. They turned back to the galleon and continued firing their lasers. Each shot pinged off the bubble-like shield, but it was noticeably dimming.

Jacob turned back to Fred. “Any other bright ideas, captain?”

Fred brushed at his mustache thoughtfully. “Hmm… No bright ideas, but I got a dull one!” He stood and stoically pointed at the other ship. “Fire vapors! Full power!”

“Right!” Jacob turned back to the control panel. His smile faded. No large button this time. “I uh, there’s no…”

“Oh, Mister Woof… Look, it’s right there. By that one light… No, the other one. No, the other-other one. Down… farther… Open your eyes, boy! Look!”

Jacob wheeled around. “Why don’t you just show me the damn thing!”

“But it’s right there! At the bottom of the base, on the side…”

Jacob looked. A tiny blinking yellow button was stuck on the base of the combat station near the ground. He turned around. “Honestly?”

Fred smirked. “Trust me. That’s one button you do not want to press by accident.”

Jacob shrugged and reached down with a groan. A shrill alarm beeped several times as he pressed the button. He sat up to watch, partially terrified at the though of what he just unleashed.

A bright glow emanated from somewhere along the side of the galleon. The sound of crackling energy grew as the light intensified. There was one final brilliant flash, followed by a gigantic booming fart noise.

“Go, vapor, go! Fred pumped his fist. A glowing green mist shot out of the side of the galleon and drifted towards the ninja-robot ship. Jacob opened his mouth to say something, but wisely shut it a moment later.

The shimmering green vapor spread out to envelop the enemy ship. The ninja robots looked around, confused at first. Then a handful squinted their eyes, furiously whipping their hands in front of their faces.

A general cry of disgust and despair rose up from the beset warriors. Some dropped to one knee, dry-heaving before falling over. Jacob turned excitedly to Fred. “I think it’s working, captain!”

The sound of large machinery whirring to life brought their attention back to the robot ninjas. A hole opened up in the deck of the enemy ship. A giant spray canister labeled “Sorcerer Air Scrubber” slowly emerged.

It squirted a large, pink cloud into the green cloud of funk. Fred’s vapor quickly dissipated under the deluge. Some of it floated to the galleon. He took a big sniff. “Hmm, strawberry. Nice choice!”

The remaining ninja robots stood back up. They shook their heads as if to clear them. They resumed their laser assault. The shield started to fade away.

There was a brilliant flash, followed by a giant popping noise. The shield was gone. Jacob stood, mouth agape. “Oh, shit. What now?” He turned to Fred.

The old farmhand was back to his usual self. He shrugged. “That usually knocks ’em dead.”

Jacob looked at his own body, noting he had returned to normal as well. He sighed. “Yeah, well… It didn’t. There’s gotta be something you can do. Pull something out of your ass… Wait.”

Fred adopted a shit-eating grin. “No, Fred. No! Don’t…” The old farmhand reached down the backside of his pants. “Oh, god!” Jacob turned away.

“So that’s where I put that!” There came the sound of a shrill whistle. Jacob shook his head, grimacing at the connotations. “Ah! There it is.”

The distinctive sound of a donkey braying forced Jacob to reluctantly turn back. He opened one eye. Fred stood there holding a small object. A small burro stood behind him with a wooden crate strapped to its back. Fred appeared nonplussed. “What?”

Jacob simply shook his head. Fred shrugged. “Anyway, I found it!” He held up a tiny laser gun. “You were right. It was in my ass!” He jabbed a thumb at the burro behind him.

“I don’t think a toy gun is going to be of much help, Fred.” Jacob jumped as a laser blast hit right in front of where he was standing.

Fred lowered his brow. “You just watch.” He turned to the burro. “Safety first, Eustace!” He pulled at the back of his pants. A bright light emerged. Jacob quickly turned away.

He turned back as the light faded. “So you had an ass… in your ass.” Jacob smirked. “Yo, dog. I heard you liked ass, so I put…”

Fred grimly shook his head. “Now’s not the time for jokes, son.” Jacob scowled. “Now back the hell off, unless you want to cook your weenie.”

Jacob did as he was asked. Fred pointed the minute laser gun at the ship. He turned his face away, squinting and pulled the trigger. A gigantic beam of bright white light shot out of the tip of the gun with a thunderous “pew!”

After what felt like hours, Jacob could finally see and hear again. He looked out towards the robot-ninja ship. An enormous round hole had been punched in the side of it.

The robot ninjas unfortunate enough to be on deck at the time of the blast had been flung so far out into space that they were barely visible. The rest were crying in terror as the listing ship angled towards Earth’s atmosphere. It would inevitably burn up long before reaching Earth.

Jacob looked back at their own ship and screamed. Fred and Jacob were standing on a small patch of deck. The exploded remains of their own ship, as well as its cowering occupants, was floating off in all directions.

“That gun there’s got some flashback, I’m afraid.” Jacob turned to Fred and screamed again. The old farmhand was covered from head to foot in black soot. Only his comically bright eyes shone through.

“What?” Fred looked down. “Oh.” He stuck one sooty thumb in his mouth and blew. The black comically puffed off his body and floated away. “No worries!”

“No worries? How are we supposed to get back to Earth now!” He spread his hands out to make his point.

“Oh… Good point.” The old farmhand looked back and forth, chewing on his lip. He shrugged. “Maybe I can pull something out of my ass again?”

An Interlude: Part 5

An Interlude | An Interlude Continues | An Interlude: Part 3

An Interlude: Part 4

“Here we gooo!” Jacob hunkered down on the deck of the ship and clutched Shadow tightly.

The captain stood his ground, staring across the distance at the ninja ship. A stern look of contempt solidified on his face. “To the very depths of Davy Jones, I chase ye.”

Jacob looked skyward. A small circle of sky remained above. Whirling torrents of water formed an impenetrable wall all around them. Darkness crept over them as the top of that wall began to collapse.

Even old Fred appeared contrite as he stared upwards at water rushing towards them. All were soon lost to darkness and the roar of the rushing water. Then something curious happened.

Even the rushing sound of the water began to fade. Soon there was only the darkness, and a strong sense of falling. Even that began to change. They weren’t falling down, anymore. They were falling… forwards?

A constant booming sound could be heard in the distance. Jacob slowly stood up, feeding Shadow onto his shoulder. He looked around. He could just make out the shadows of Fred and the captain on either side of him.

The booming became louder and louder. All of a sudden, the unmistakable instrumental magic of the Disco era filled the air. Both ships were illuminated by a kaleidoscope of morphing colors twisting and throbbing along the gigantic tunnel they were soaring through.

Fred struck a pose in his bright-white leisure suit. Colors of every shade mirrored off his oversize shades. “OOH, that’s my jam, baby!”

The captain shook his head and strode forward. He kicked his cowering crew members as he walked past them. “Avast, you quivering cowards! We’re on a line, men! Steer for that other ship!”

Jacob sidled over to Fred, who was still doing his best John Travolta impression. “I know I’m probably asking a stupid question…” he shouted. “But are we safe? Still in trouble? Should I pray?”

Fred stopped dead. He slowly turned toward Jacob and pulled down his shades with a single bony finger. “That was three stupid questions.” He stared a moment longer before returning to his one-man jam.

Something whistled past Jacob’s head and struck in the deck behind him. He whirled around to see a flaming arrow stuck deep in the wooden boards. “Ohhh, that’s not good.”

More arrows whistled around them as the crew scrambled to stomp the growing fires out. Jacob ran to one side of the ship and peered down. Whatever was down there wasn’t water. “That’s even worse.”

He turned to see an arrow flying straight for his head. Tiny Shadow leaped from his shoulder, growling like a tiger. The entire arrow went in the kitten’s mouth and disappeared.

Shadow turned back to Jacob and issued a man-sized belch. Fire shot from the kitten’s mouth like a flame thrower. Jacob hopped as the flames licked around his ankles. “Holy shit, cat. I owe you one.”

The kitten mewed, squinting its little eyes. It turned away and trundled across the deck. It jumped suddenly, catching another arrow. It belched again, catching a coiled rope on fire. “Oops.”

“Eyes forward!” The captain cried out. “The tunnel’s opening up, lads! Find your places, double-quick!”

Jacob looked forward with the others. They were indeed racing towards the end of the tunnel. A field of stars twinkled on a blanket of black. “Fred! Are we going up? Where are we going?”

Fred threw off his mirrored shades and replaced them with a pair of reading glasses. He gazed towards the end of the tunnel. He nodded sagely and turned to Jacob. “…Fuck if I know.”

“Stand yer ground, men! Here we go!” The captain steadied himself as both ships rocketed through the end of the tunnel. The stars they saw at the end now surrounded them.

Jacob’s eyes grew wide as he realized what was going on. He held his breath, looking around wildly. The ship listed to one side. He remained standing, causing his equilibrium to go out the window and his lunch to rise in his throat.

He looked to the side the ship was listing towards and screamed in his mouth. It was Earth. They were in space.

The captain pounded his way over to Fred, an accusatory finger leveled at his chest. “Alright, magic man! I’ve had enough of yer tricks. How is it we’re among the stars!”

The light bulb went on over Jacob’s head and he let his trapped air out in one big rush. He quickly pulled in a deep breath of fresh air. “It’s just like a cartoon.”

The captain whirled about. “What are you on about, then? What’s a cartoon? Is it how we ended up here?”

“What? No… I don’t…”

“That’s like a cartoon, too! Look at ’em all! Ha HAAA!” Fred was grinning like a goof, pointing at the ninja ship. The ninjas still aboard it had a metallic sheen to them. Their eyes glowed bright red.

Jacob’s jaw dropped. “They’re robots. Ninja. Robots.”

“Cartoons! Robots! What does it all mean?” The captain pulled his sword and held the blade to Fred’s chin. “You’ll answer me proper or you’ll float among the stars!”

Fred shrugged. “Sounds kind of nice, actually.”

The captain growled menacingly and brought the sword back to strike. A thin beam of red light struck the blade. It glowed red-hot. The captain dropped it, crying out in pain. “Hot! HOT!”

The distinct pew-pew sound of firing lasers filled the air… space? Apparently the ninja robots were armed. The captain turned back to Fred.

The old farmhand was now donning red and blue 3-D glasses. “I love these types of movies!” He offered a tub of popcorn to the captain. “Handful?” One of the laser beams cut through the container, catching it on fire.

Fred shouted at the other ship. “Now that’s just rude!” He tossed the burning snack aside. “Cost me fifteen bucks,” he mumbled.

“Well, I’m out.” The captain turned away from the approaching robot-ninja ship and started for one of the ship’s attached dinghies. “Whirlpools, cursed tunnels, metallic china men… Now the stars. Why not?”

Fred leaned in towards Jacob. “I think he’s finally lost it.” Jacob did a double-take before shaking his head.

The dinghy only lowered a couple of feet before floating on some unseen substance. The captain cast the ropes into the boat and shrugged. “Whatever.”

The captain unceremoniously jumped overboard into the dinghy. Jacob ran over and watched as the boat began to float off into space. The captain stood in the middle of it, slowly waving, a look of melancholy on his face.

Jacob gave a small wave back. “Poor bastard.” More laser fire turned his attention back to the robot-ninja ship.

The ship was now alongside their own. Large metal cables shot out of the arms of some of the robot-ninjas. The claw-like ends dug into the old galleon’s deck. Some of the robot-ninjas began to run across the heavy metal cables.

Jacob looked on in disbelief. “Oh, boy…”