Author: admin

An Interlude | An Interlude Continues | An Interlude: Part 3

An Interlude: Part 4 | An Interlude: Part 5

Jacob turned away from the encroaching ninja robots to take stock of the situation on deck. There was Jacob, Fred, and nobody else, really. The remaining pirates were either dead, below decks, or jumping ship.

There was only one man that could save them now. He stood tall, puffed out his chest, and… turned to Fred. The old farmhand looked decidedly different.

Fred was sitting in a futuristic-looking tan captain’s chair. He was wearing a red and black jumpsuit and was decidedly balder than usual. Jacob raised an eyebrow. “You’re, uh…”

The old farmhand scowled. “Go ahead and say it. I’m bald. You’d go bald too, putting up with the likes of you.” He waved a hand. “Ain’t shit, though.”

He cleared his throat. “Take your station, Mister Woof! Shields up!”

“Mister Woof…” Jacob ran dark brown hands over his black and yellow jumpsuit. “Oh, what…” He tentatively touched at his forehead. There were hard, folded wrinkles covering it. He smiled. “Could be worse.”

He turned around to see a combat station before him. He quickly sat down and surveyed his control panel. “Let’s see.” An endless ocean of buttons, pull-knobs, toggle switches and sliders greeted him. “It didn’t look this complicated on the show.”

He turned to face Fred. The old farmhand threw out his hands. “What, do I have to do everything? It’s the red button! In the middle!

Jacob turned back to the control panel. A giant red button labeled “SHIELDS, IDIOT” was flashing in the middle. He slapped it with his hand and looked up.

A bright blue translucent bubble wrapped around the old galleon. Jacob pumped his fist, crying out. He caught himself and cleared his throat. He spoke in a mock deep voice. “Shields up, captain.”

The cables strung between the two ships separated where the shield fell on them. The ninja robots crossing them leaped through space towards the shield, shouting their battle cries. Jacob watched amused as one after another bounced uselessly off of the glowing energy field and floated off into space.

Fred nodded his approval. “Very good! Now let’s finish this. Launch the proton burrito!”

“The what!” Jacob looked down at the control panel. Another large button, clearly labeled “PROTON BURRITO”, was flashing in the middle of the board. “Oh! Right, then.” Jacob slapped his hand on the button and watched.

True to form, a large, incandescent burrito emerged from the side of the galleon. Fred and Jacob watched in anticipation as the oversize wrap slowly approached the side of the robot-ninja ship. Many of the robot ninjas stopped to watch, making curious noises.

The burrito finally reached the ship and… splattered uselessly against the side. Jacob looked morosely at Fred. “Oh… I uh… This never happens to me baby, I swear!”

The robot ninjas looked at each other and shrugged. They turned back to the galleon and continued firing their lasers. Each shot pinged off the bubble-like shield, but it was noticeably dimming.

Jacob turned back to Fred. “Any other bright ideas, captain?”

Fred brushed at his mustache thoughtfully. “Hmm… No bright ideas, but I got a dull one!” He stood and stoically pointed at the other ship. “Fire vapors! Full power!”

“Right!” Jacob turned back to the control panel. His smile faded. No large button this time. “I uh, there’s no…”

“Oh, Mister Woof… Look, it’s right there. By that one light… No, the other one. No, the other-other one. Down… farther… Open your eyes, boy! Look!”

Jacob wheeled around. “Why don’t you just show me the damn thing!”

“But it’s right there! At the bottom of the base, on the side…”

Jacob looked. A tiny blinking yellow button was stuck on the base of the combat station near the ground. He turned around. “Honestly?”

Fred smirked. “Trust me. That’s one button you do not want to press by accident.”

Jacob shrugged and reached down with a groan. A shrill alarm beeped several times as he pressed the button. He sat up to watch, partially terrified at the though of what he just unleashed.

A bright glow emanated from somewhere along the side of the galleon. The sound of crackling energy grew as the light intensified. There was one final brilliant flash, followed by a gigantic booming fart noise.

“Go, vapor, go! Fred pumped his fist. A glowing green mist shot out of the side of the galleon and drifted towards the ninja-robot ship. Jacob opened his mouth to say something, but wisely shut it a moment later.

The shimmering green vapor spread out to envelop the enemy ship. The ninja robots looked around, confused at first. Then a handful squinted their eyes, furiously whipping their hands in front of their faces.

A general cry of disgust and despair rose up from the beset warriors. Some dropped to one knee, dry-heaving before falling over. Jacob turned excitedly to Fred. “I think it’s working, captain!”

The sound of large machinery whirring to life brought their attention back to the robot ninjas. A hole opened up in the deck of the enemy ship. A giant spray canister labeled “Sorcerer Air Scrubber” slowly emerged.

It squirted a large, pink cloud into the green cloud of funk. Fred’s vapor quickly dissipated under the deluge. Some of it floated to the galleon. He took a big sniff. “Hmm, strawberry. Nice choice!”

The remaining ninja robots stood back up. They shook their heads as if to clear them. They resumed their laser assault. The shield started to fade away.

There was a brilliant flash, followed by a giant popping noise. The shield was gone. Jacob stood, mouth agape. “Oh, shit. What now?” He turned to Fred.

The old farmhand was back to his usual self. He shrugged. “That usually knocks ’em dead.”

Jacob looked at his own body, noting he had returned to normal as well. He sighed. “Yeah, well… It didn’t. There’s gotta be something you can do. Pull something out of your ass… Wait.”

Fred adopted a shit-eating grin. “No, Fred. No! Don’t…” The old farmhand reached down the backside of his pants. “Oh, god!” Jacob turned away.

“So that’s where I put that!” There came the sound of a shrill whistle. Jacob shook his head, grimacing at the connotations. “Ah! There it is.”

The distinctive sound of a donkey braying forced Jacob to reluctantly turn back. He opened one eye. Fred stood there holding a small object. A small burro stood behind him with a wooden crate strapped to its back. Fred appeared nonplussed. “What?”

Jacob simply shook his head. Fred shrugged. “Anyway, I found it!” He held up a tiny laser gun. “You were right. It was in my ass!” He jabbed a thumb at the burro behind him.

“I don’t think a toy gun is going to be of much help, Fred.” Jacob jumped as a laser blast hit right in front of where he was standing.

Fred lowered his brow. “You just watch.” He turned to the burro. “Safety first, Eustace!” He pulled at the back of his pants. A bright light emerged. Jacob quickly turned away.

He turned back as the light faded. “So you had an ass… in your ass.” Jacob smirked. “Yo, dog. I heard you liked ass, so I put…”

Fred grimly shook his head. “Now’s not the time for jokes, son.” Jacob scowled. “Now back the hell off, unless you want to cook your weenie.”

Jacob did as he was asked. Fred pointed the minute laser gun at the ship. He turned his face away, squinting and pulled the trigger. A gigantic beam of bright white light shot out of the tip of the gun with a thunderous “pew!”

After what felt like hours, Jacob could finally see and hear again. He looked out towards the robot-ninja ship. An enormous round hole had been punched in the side of it.

The robot ninjas unfortunate enough to be on deck at the time of the blast had been flung so far out into space that they were barely visible. The rest were crying in terror as the listing ship angled towards Earth’s atmosphere. It would inevitably burn up long before reaching Earth.

Jacob looked back at their own ship and screamed. Fred and Jacob were standing on a small patch of deck. The exploded remains of their own ship, as well as its cowering occupants, was floating off in all directions.

“That gun there’s got some flashback, I’m afraid.” Jacob turned to Fred and screamed again. The old farmhand was covered from head to foot in black soot. Only his comically bright eyes shone through.

“What?” Fred looked down. “Oh.” He stuck one sooty thumb in his mouth and blew. The black comically puffed off his body and floated away. “No worries!”

“No worries? How are we supposed to get back to Earth now!” He spread his hands out to make his point.

“Oh… Good point.” The old farmhand looked back and forth, chewing on his lip. He shrugged. “Maybe I can pull something out of my ass again?”

An Interlude | An Interlude Continues | An Interlude: Part 3

An Interlude: Part 4

“Here we gooo!” Jacob hunkered down on the deck of the ship and clutched Shadow tightly.

The captain stood his ground, staring across the distance at the ninja ship. A stern look of contempt solidified on his face. “To the very depths of Davy Jones, I chase ye.”

Jacob looked skyward. A small circle of sky remained above. Whirling torrents of water formed an impenetrable wall all around them. Darkness crept over them as the top of that wall began to collapse.

Even old Fred appeared contrite as he stared upwards at water rushing towards them. All were soon lost to darkness and the roar of the rushing water. Then something curious happened.

Even the rushing sound of the water began to fade. Soon there was only the darkness, and a strong sense of falling. Even that began to change. They weren’t falling down, anymore. They were falling… forwards?

A constant booming sound could be heard in the distance. Jacob slowly stood up, feeding Shadow onto his shoulder. He looked around. He could just make out the shadows of Fred and the captain on either side of him.

The booming became louder and louder. All of a sudden, the unmistakable instrumental magic of the Disco era filled the air. Both ships were illuminated by a kaleidoscope of morphing colors twisting and throbbing along the gigantic tunnel they were soaring through.

Fred struck a pose in his bright-white leisure suit. Colors of every shade mirrored off his oversize shades. “OOH, that’s my jam, baby!”

The captain shook his head and strode forward. He kicked his cowering crew members as he walked past them. “Avast, you quivering cowards! We’re on a line, men! Steer for that other ship!”

Jacob sidled over to Fred, who was still doing his best John Travolta impression. “I know I’m probably asking a stupid question…” he shouted. “But are we safe? Still in trouble? Should I pray?”

Fred stopped dead. He slowly turned toward Jacob and pulled down his shades with a single bony finger. “That was three stupid questions.” He stared a moment longer before returning to his one-man jam.

Something whistled past Jacob’s head and struck in the deck behind him. He whirled around to see a flaming arrow stuck deep in the wooden boards. “Ohhh, that’s not good.”

More arrows whistled around them as the crew scrambled to stomp the growing fires out. Jacob ran to one side of the ship and peered down. Whatever was down there wasn’t water. “That’s even worse.”

He turned to see an arrow flying straight for his head. Tiny Shadow leaped from his shoulder, growling like a tiger. The entire arrow went in the kitten’s mouth and disappeared.

Shadow turned back to Jacob and issued a man-sized belch. Fire shot from the kitten’s mouth like a flame thrower. Jacob hopped as the flames licked around his ankles. “Holy shit, cat. I owe you one.”

The kitten mewed, squinting its little eyes. It turned away and trundled across the deck. It jumped suddenly, catching another arrow. It belched again, catching a coiled rope on fire. “Oops.”

“Eyes forward!” The captain cried out. “The tunnel’s opening up, lads! Find your places, double-quick!”

Jacob looked forward with the others. They were indeed racing towards the end of the tunnel. A field of stars twinkled on a blanket of black. “Fred! Are we going up? Where are we going?”

Fred threw off his mirrored shades and replaced them with a pair of reading glasses. He gazed towards the end of the tunnel. He nodded sagely and turned to Jacob. “…Fuck if I know.”

“Stand yer ground, men! Here we go!” The captain steadied himself as both ships rocketed through the end of the tunnel. The stars they saw at the end now surrounded them.

Jacob’s eyes grew wide as he realized what was going on. He held his breath, looking around wildly. The ship listed to one side. He remained standing, causing his equilibrium to go out the window and his lunch to rise in his throat.

He looked to the side the ship was listing towards and screamed in his mouth. It was Earth. They were in space.

The captain pounded his way over to Fred, an accusatory finger leveled at his chest. “Alright, magic man! I’ve had enough of yer tricks. How is it we’re among the stars!”

The light bulb went on over Jacob’s head and he let his trapped air out in one big rush. He quickly pulled in a deep breath of fresh air. “It’s just like a cartoon.”

The captain whirled about. “What are you on about, then? What’s a cartoon? Is it how we ended up here?”

“What? No… I don’t…”

“That’s like a cartoon, too! Look at ’em all! Ha HAAA!” Fred was grinning like a goof, pointing at the ninja ship. The ninjas still aboard it had a metallic sheen to them. Their eyes glowed bright red.

Jacob’s jaw dropped. “They’re robots. Ninja. Robots.”

“Cartoons! Robots! What does it all mean?” The captain pulled his sword and held the blade to Fred’s chin. “You’ll answer me proper or you’ll float among the stars!”

Fred shrugged. “Sounds kind of nice, actually.”

The captain growled menacingly and brought the sword back to strike. A thin beam of red light struck the blade. It glowed red-hot. The captain dropped it, crying out in pain. “Hot! HOT!”

The distinct pew-pew sound of firing lasers filled the air… space? Apparently the ninja robots were armed. The captain turned back to Fred.

The old farmhand was now donning red and blue 3-D glasses. “I love these types of movies!” He offered a tub of popcorn to the captain. “Handful?” One of the laser beams cut through the container, catching it on fire.

Fred shouted at the other ship. “Now that’s just rude!” He tossed the burning snack aside. “Cost me fifteen bucks,” he mumbled.

“Well, I’m out.” The captain turned away from the approaching robot-ninja ship and started for one of the ship’s attached dinghies. “Whirlpools, cursed tunnels, metallic china men… Now the stars. Why not?”

Fred leaned in towards Jacob. “I think he’s finally lost it.” Jacob did a double-take before shaking his head.

The dinghy only lowered a couple of feet before floating on some unseen substance. The captain cast the ropes into the boat and shrugged. “Whatever.”

The captain unceremoniously jumped overboard into the dinghy. Jacob ran over and watched as the boat began to float off into space. The captain stood in the middle of it, slowly waving, a look of melancholy on his face.

Jacob gave a small wave back. “Poor bastard.” More laser fire turned his attention back to the robot-ninja ship.

The ship was now alongside their own. Large metal cables shot out of the arms of some of the robot-ninjas. The claw-like ends dug into the old galleon’s deck. Some of the robot-ninjas began to run across the heavy metal cables.

Jacob looked on in disbelief. “Oh, boy…”

An Interlude | An Interlude Continues | An Interlude: Part 3

Jacob stared slack-jawed at the group of pirates surrounding him. He looked to Fred. The old farmhand gave him a grumpy look in return. “Bastards stole my costume idea!”

“So…” Jacob turned back to the captain. “We’ll just get going. I mean, if it’s all the same to you…”

“It’s not!” The pirates cheered behind Jacob and Fred. “Ye board me boat without permission. Then you try to plunder me gold! Now you jest wanna be wandering off.”

“We all should be wandering off, about now.” Fred jabbed a bony finger off towards the starboard side of the ship.

Approaching swiftly was a sleek, black galleon like their own. It ran orange, web-like sails. It slid sideways in the water to come broadside to their own ship.

“Hell and damnation! To arms, men! To arms!” The captain turned to Fred and Jacob. “You will fight beside us, or I will put you to Davy Jones right now.”

Jacob shrugged, grimacing. “Yeah, sure! Sounds great.”

Fred spit on the deck. “Can I just watch?”

The captain growled, pulling his pistol. The deck shook beneath them before he could do much more. “They’ve opened fire!” He ran towards the starboard side of the ship.

“To arms! Run out the canons and give them hell, boys!” The captain shot his pistol at one of the ninjas on the other ship.

“Wait… They’re fucking ninjas?” Jacob looked at Fred.

The old farmhand shook his head slowly. “We’ve been doing this for a while now, junior. Gotta admit I’m a little off that you’d be surprised by this point.”

Jacob raised his eyebrows and looked off to one side. “Fair point.” The deck slid violently underneath them. “What in the hell?”

“They’re boarding us!” The captain cried out to his crew. “To pistols and cutlasses! Don’t give up the ship!”

A dozen or more black-clad ninjas jumped and rolled from one ship to the other. They kicked, punched, and pinwheeled as they squared off with the pirates. Cries of “WaaAHH!” and “ARGH!” broke out across the deck of the ship as pistols fired and padded feet thumped off chests.

The captain leveled his pistol and fired off a shot, hitting one of the ninjas. He screamed dramatically before flailing overboard. Another ninja back-flipped up to the captain and kicked the pistol out of his hand.

“ARGH!” The captain pulled out his cutlass and laid open the ninja’s chest. Another ninja kicked the sword from his hand. The captain wheeled around and punched the ninja square in the face, knocking him out.

He shook his fist out and picked his cutlass up from the deck. “There’s too many to put down, lads!”

Fred turned around wearing red and blue 3-D glasses. “This shit looks so real!” He turned to Jacob. “Hey, where’s yours?”

“Aye! You… magic man!” The captain pointed at Fred. “Surely you can do something!”

Jacob nodded. “Yeah, Captain Jackass! Save us already, would ya?”

Fred puffed out his muscular chest, red spandex stretching. A long blue cape billowed out behind him. The black silhouette of a donkey was painted on the front of his shirt. “Captain Jackass to the rescue!”

The farmhand-turned-superhero ran forward, bellowing as he went. The captain pumped his fist, grinning and yelling. Fred pushed the ninjas to one side and leaped right over the edge of the ship.

Jacob ran up to the side and peered over. Fred quickly disappeared under the water, sinking like a stone. “He’s run off! That stupid son of a…”

“HEEYAHHHH!” One of the ninjas dropped a karate chop across the nape of Jacob’s neck.

“OW! You dick!” Jacob shoved the ninja back and pulled out his broadsword. The ninja ran forward right onto the tip of the weapon. He collapsed onto Jacob, pinning him to the ground.

Two other ninjas ran over and started kicking at him. Jacob pushed and shoved at the dead ninja on top of him in a bid for freedom. All three men froze at the sound of an earth-shattering roar.

Jacob looked across the deck. A ninja stood with his foot sitting squarely on poor little Shadow’s tail. The kitten looked… upset.

Shadow’s head suddenly grew by several orders of magnitude, its gaping maw full of glistening, needle-like metallic fangs. He sank them into the ninja’s leg and shook his head violently.

The rest of Shadow’s body grew to giant proportions, muscles rippling and contracting. He tossed the ninja’s severed leg into the air and swallowed it whole. He turned on the other ninjas, which started backing away nervously.

Jacob shoved the dead ninja from him and pulled himself up. The captain came to his side. He was staring wide-eyed at Shadow. “That’s uh… That is one interesting pet ye have, there.”

“Yeah…” Jacob grinned. “He’s a… special breed.”

Shadow jumped from one ninja to the other, mauling and eviscerating them as he went. The ninjas fortunate enough to have avoided the enraged kitten wisely chose to run for their own galleon. Shadow finally sat down and watched patiently as the remaining ninjas jumped ship.

The remaining pirates cheered as the ninja ship pushed off from their own and put distance on it. Shadow rippled and shrank back down to his former diminutive self. He let out a small mew as Jacob scooped him up.

“Not bad, little fella!” He put the wee kitten back on his shoulder. “Sure glad you’re on my side.”

Everyone jumped as a spout of water shot up beside the galleon. In it rose Fred, who arced through the air and crashed down onto the deck. He immediately sprang to his feet, brushing his cape back. “I have returned once more again!”

The captain stepped forward, grimacing. “Ye scurvy dog! Ye ran off and hid while the rest of us fought for our very lives!”

“Yeah! The god-damned kitten saved us!” Jacob smiled at Shadow.

Fred stared. “The cat… Jacob, did you get hit on the head again, son?” He turned back to the captain. “And I did not hide! I’ve been down below saving your lives!”

“Right! How’s that, now? Did you ask the mermaids fer help, then?” The captain sneered.

“Naw. They wouldn’t talk to me. I flipped ’em off!” He spit to one side. “Nope! I pulled the plug.”

Jacob shook his head. “I’m scared to ask, but… You pulled the plug?”

Fred nodded proudly. “When you want to be done playing with yer bath toys, what do ya do? You pull the plug!”

“Oh, god.” Jacob ran over to the side of the galleon and stared down. A funnel was forming between the two battered ships. The galleons had begun to slowly spin around it.

The captain stood beside him. He had gone white as a sheet. “Are you fecking mad!” He turned to his men. “VORTEX! We’re going down, mates! Get right with god, for you’ll be meeting him in short order!”

The other pirates started shouting. Some ran around in circles. A couple jumped overboard, hellbent on ending their suffering quickly. The captain bounded into his cabin and slammed the door shut.

Jacob ran back to Fred and shook him by the shoulders. “What in the hell were you thinking!”

Fred looked nonplussed. “Well, it always worked when I was a kid.”

“We’re not toys!” He grabbed at his his hair and stared at the deck. “What do we do?” He looked up. “What happens when we reach the bottom?”

“Hmm… Hadn’t thought about that.” Fred rubbed at the stubble on his chin with his thumb and forefinger.

Jacob raced back to the side of the galleon. The wind howled as the two ships raced along the edge of the spreading water funnel. He could now clearly see a cavernous hole at the bottom.

“I guess we’re going to find out real soon.” He stared at Shadow. The kitten mewed questioningly.