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Looking Back

LOOKING BACK: December 2019

Avatar rules, Napster drools, and Taylor Swift and The Simpsons hit a big milestone

How’s that saying go? If you don’t remember history’s underpants, they’ll get moldy? Something like that? Why are there so many questions in this first paragraph? Should I stop? Yes, yes I should.

Here’s a new thing for me to annoy you with: Looking Back. Once a month I’ll… look back at the events of the past thirty years and see how they relate to today’s world. Sounds fun, right?

…That was rhetorical.

2009

DECEMBER 10: President Barack Obama accepts the Nobel Peace Prize

“‘Sup, bitch?”

*sigh*

The prize was awarded to President Obama for “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between people.” Think about that for a moment. Now think about the Great Orange Whale squatting in the White House right now. The about-face is just about enough to snap your head clean off your damn neck.

DECEMBER 18: Avatar premiers in the US

This was from the movie, right? I actually never watched it, so…

Aye, do ye remember the dark night that the Great Blue Plight was unleashed on our tender population?

I never saw Avatar(aren’t I so fucking cool?) A WHOLE HELL of a lot of other people did. I never saw the draw, and I think there’s a chance a whole bunch of people aren’t going to see it anymore, either.

If Cameron had pooped out an Avatar sequel even three years after the first, I think it would have done reasonably well. The awe of seeing the world of Pandora in 3-D would have waned somewhat, but it would sell tickets. But today? Forget it.

1999

DECEMBER 7: The RIAA sues Napster

Remember when the download time for a song was, you know, longer than the song? *shudder*

We all know how peaceful the Recording Industry Association of America is, so it came as quite a surprise when they decided to sue Napster back out of existence. Eight years(!) later, the RIAA won and Napster went bankrupt…

Then they came roaring back after being bought by Rhapsody and now have over 2.5 million subscribers worldwide. Huh, that turned out all right…

DECEMBER 31: Boris Yeltsin resigns as president of Russia

Whenever he smiled, it always looked like he farted and was just so damn proud of it.

Boris Yeltsin resigned at the end of 1999 after a series of missteps intertwined with a number of unfortunate events. He left then Prime Minister Vladimir Putin in charge in his stead. Yeah, that Vladimir Putin. Hindsight, and all that…

1989

DECEMBER 17: The Simpsons premiers on Fox

It’s hard to imagine an entire town of people surviving jaundice (or Homer Simpson) for three decades, but whatever.

This entry makes me feel violently old. The Simpsons is more than a quarter-century old. If Bart aged like a normal human boy, instead of being some sort of twisted, ageless golem, he’d be MIDDLE AGED, like I ALMOST AM. Shit shit shit shit shit…

Um, anyways… It was a home run for Fox, finally giving them real competition to pit against the animation Goliath that was Disney. I bet the House of Mouse wishes they could get a slice of that pie!

Oh, right

DECEMBER 13: Taylor Swift is born

“Wait, I’m how old this month?”

OH, GOD DAMN IT.

Yes, T-Swizzle is hitting the big 3-0 this month, and is somehow the same age as The Simpsons. I doubt these facts will bother her too much, seeing how she ages at about the same rate as Baby Yoda.

“Need to calm down, you do.”

Being worth a reported $400 million probably helps too, though. That’s over half the market value of Anheuser-Busch Inbev. Then again, the reported value of The Simpsons is over $13 billion. Eh, somehow I think she’ll shake it off.