The time has come.
No later than next month, my financial ruin will begin. If I force myself to pay all of my bills for October, I will end the month with approximately $550 in my bank account. This will not be enough money carried forward to pay all of my bills in November.
This is something that I’ve seen coming for months, if not years. Perhaps it’s because it’s been coming for so long that it took me by surprise, emotionally. It should go without saying that this is going to result in a complete and significant change in my life. In fact, it turns out that having the financial floor drop out from under you is not unlike death itself.
I went through this last month. Like I said, I’ve been expecting this for years, now. When I saw how quickly shit was going down last month, I still couldn’t believe it.
I kept looking at the numbers. They didn’t change. “Maybe if I do this,” I reckoned. “Perhaps if I do that,” I figured. There had to be a way to push it off for at least a couple of months longer. SPOILER ALERT: There was not.
Holy SHIT have I been a miserable bastard these past few weeks.
I’ve caught myself lashing out at damn-near everyone around me to some extent or other, loathe as I am to admit it. Most notably, I got into it with my fucking boss at work. My anger caught him off-guard, but I doubled down. I was about ready to really pop off when he finally relented and left me be.
Everything pisses me off, lately. I’m just mad at the world. When you back an animal into a corner, it gets violent. I’ve been that animal, lately.
I kind of cheated on this one. I already mentioned I went through this during the denial phase. If nothing else, you can sure say that I’m efficient with my mourning process.
I’ve been tagging this one a lot lately, too. I told you, I’m efficient. I do think I’m about to go through the full brunt of this in the coming weeks, though.
I’ve pushed the thought of all this aside with the knowledge that, while it’s coming, it’s not here yet. It’s… well, it’s here now, isn’t it? No matter what I do now, I am going to financially die in November.
I will get there, I will look at my finances, and I will say “I can’t pay this bill. I can’t pay that bill. Not this one, either.” It really is eerie how much it’s like watching someone die.
You see them laying there, slowly becoming something else. In time, they switch from fighting to survive. They’re waiting to die. Then you realize, this person will never be the person you knew ever again.
I bargained that I might be able to drop two or three bills but keep up with the others. Now I’m at that stage that I know it’s all inevitable. It’s going to be total blackout. The end. Good night, Gracie.
I cannot fucking WAIT to reach this step. I’ve tasted it on a few occasions. It was fucking delicious. Everything is far too real for me to find it right now, though.
The knowledge that everything is finally, quickly happening has a weight to it. I’m being pushed down. Everything is crowding around me, enveloping me. I can’t see the daylight for all of it.
I know I will eventually. It will be that or literally die. That would be less than ideal.
I think once November is over, I will have no choice but to get over it, though I suppose it will be like death in a way. I will be on the other side. My own personal Hell will unfurl before me.
The clock will start ticking until the calls start coming. Then the letters. Then the court summons, and eventually the wage garnishment.
The “good” thing is that I will always have the escape hatch that is bankruptcy, my own personal stairway to Heaven, or at least Earth.
Perhaps I should deny that I will need it, get angry about it, even. Eventually I’ll bargain that I don’t need to do it, if I just hold on a little longer. Depression will set in as I realize that yes, I really do need to file for bankruptcy. Eventually I will come to accept it.
Then I will die again.
Man, do I put up with a lot of death in my life.